On Appreciation, Part 2

I loved the comments I got on my last post! I have to say, despite my assertions to the contrary, I still left after the last post thinking I hadn't gotten it quite right. I still didn't know if "appreciate more" is the right way to put it. And then I realized how silly I had been! I had to ask my mom! Of course! She's the best source for this debate.

My mom became pregnant with my brother when she was unmarried, 17, and still in high school. Obviously unplanned. She and my dad got married and moved out to their own house not long after my brother was born. When my brother turned 2 she decided it was time to try for another. I am 9 years younger than my brother. Do the math. She had always had irregular periods and couldn't get pregnant. Her OB could only offer her clomid, which she took for many years with no luck. After many years of trying she read an article about new experimental infertility treatments offered at the University of Minnesota. She didn't even know infertility treatments existed (outside of clomid). About a year later, with the help of injectible drugs (she can't remember names), she became pregnant with me.

Mom knows what it's like to conceive "easily" (although the fertility doc later told her my brother probably beat out a million to one odds!) and to struggle with infertility. She got even less understanding from people as they felt she should quit feeling sorry for herself because she already had a child. But mom and dad wanted another very, very badly.

So I told her about this debate and asked her what she thinks. Surprisingly to me, she said she doesn't think infertile women appreciate their babies more. She thought that was a bad way to put it. But she agreed that the experience of pregnancy and parenthood is definitely different when you have truly struggled to get there. I don't think she had the right words to explain it either. So actually, thanks mom, you were no help.

But back to the comments on my last post. A couple of people said that they felt like they appreciated their babies and the experience more than they would have had they not been through infertility and/or loss. Not that they appreciated their babies any more than any other parent. That was a very good point! And in thinking about my analogy to, say, a wife who almost loses her husband and then learns to appreciate him more and take him for granted less... it's probably the same. That wife doesn't necessarily appreciate him more than another wife appreciates her husband, it has just changed her own experience and feelings.

So I think you guys (girls) got it right! And thank you! I think I feel better about this whole debate in my own head now. My readers are so smart. :)

I also appreciated (ha, there's that word again) that Basebell pointed out that just because you struggled to have your baby doesn't mean you can't have frustrations with parenting (so maybe that's what the insensitive greeting card was about, misguided as it might have been).

And believe me, I do have frustrations! Baby Girl is currently in a food refusal stage. It has gotten mildly better but it is still a fight to get her to eat enough some days. She would rather be looking around, showing off her manual dexterity by pulling her bottle out of her mouth, or blowing raspberries most of the time. She is still consistently getting fewer ounces per day than the recommended minimum but I try not to stress too much as she still has plenty of chub to spare! As long as she is growing appropriately I can't spend too much time comparing her to general recommendations.

Well, thanks again for your insightful comments! So maybe as infertiles we don't have the market cornered on appreciating our children but our experiences and feelings have definitely been colored by our paths that got us where we are.