Showing and Telling

Showing: Yep I think I am, but only to myself and hubby and anyone else who sees me naked on a regular basis (and I hope that makes just the two of us!). There is a small bump, which I originally attributed to bloating, but now I think it's different. I was bloating and shrinking and repeating for awhile, but this is sticking. I love it! I have been laying in bed at night for years imagining what it would be like to have my belly sticking up and I think I'm on my way. :)

Telling: We said we would wait until after the 1st of the year but... Well, we got too antsy. We had told an aunt and my grandpa at my cousin's funeral (both from the other side of my family and because I knew I wouldn't have another chance to tell them in person). I had told a few friends and both our immediate families. So when people start to hear... it's kinda a snowball effect. Then on Christmas Eve we called my dad's family who were all together and told them over speakerphone. We had also given hubby's parents the go ahead to spread the news. As this is potentially their first grandchild, they were really happy to have the green light.

I keep trying to tell myself that this can't jinx anything. I keep repeating the statistic that only 1% of pregnancies end in miscarriage once a heartbeat has been seen via ultrasound. If only it were 0%. It's still hard, I am still nervous, but I am getting there. Thank you all for your kind words and continued support.

A Good Appointment, But I Got in Trouble

Welcome ICLW visitors! I see that several people have stopped by already and many offered their condolences on the loss of my cousin. It has truly proven to be a very difficult time. Perhaps most difficult has been seeing another cousin, her sister, post heartbreaking status updates and messages to Carrie on facebook. She is 17 and I know she is really struggling.

But, as sad as we have been, there is also reason for celebration this Christmas. Today we had an appointment with an ultrasound that was supposed to be a checkup and NT test. Turns out it was a few days too early for an NT (I asked that when I scheduled!) but I didn't care, I really just wanted the ultrasound! The baby measured 10w4d when we expected 10w3d - so yay! Heartbeat was great at 167. Little arms and legs and feet visible. So nice to see. :) Here's the best pic:

But as my post title says, I got in trouble. I have lost 8 pounds and my NP is not at all happy with that. Since she expects me to be sick for at least another 3-4 weeks, she made me go on drugs to help with the nausea in hopes that it will improve my eating. I really was hoping to avoid that but at this point I agree it is probably for the best. Also, the more sleep I get the better and last night was a terrible sleeping night. So on that note, I am off to take a nap and will explore some new blogs later today!

You're All Valued

I wanted to get this done before my picks received this award... I received the Valued Blogger award from Saige at Return to Innocence. Saige, thank you and don't feel bad about awarding it to me right now - that is what blogging is all about - being there for each other in good times and bad. Last week was a really bad time and you among others were there for me in messages, thoughts and prayers and that meant a lot to me. Thank you. :)

Here it goes...

This award is not like all of the other blog awards because we all want to not only know about you, but also your opinion of your fellow bloggers. So, without further ado, I present you with the rules.

1. Tell your readers how your journey into blogging began. Be as verbose or shy as you like.

2. Pick 3-5 fellow bloggers whom you adore and write what exactly it is you value about that person or their blog. The more you write about them the better. There is a chance to really appreciate your blog friends who have been there with and for you through thick and thin.

3. Let the blessed winners know they have been awarded.

This award was started in December because it is the season of giving and bringing cheer to others. What better way to do that than to let the people in our lives know that we cherish them?

My responses:

1. My journey into blogging began when I found another person's blog address on a message board. She was just starting her blog as she was entering the world of IVF. I loved her blog instantly. I have always wanted to start my own blog and had even done so once but I had no idea what to write about. I have known for a long time my infertility would be waiting for me when I was ready to start a family. I have been wanting to have a baby for several years but wasn't putting a lot of effort into it for various reasons, but had been really hoping it would just happen. Ha. Then a little over a year ago it was time to really try and thus began my journey. I tend to be an oversharer and like to talk to friends about stuff. I didn't feel comfortable sharing all of this stuff with people in my face-to-face life, not because I was ashamed but because I knew they might feel awkward and not want to hear about it. When I realized what a huge community of IF bloggers existed I knew what I had to do. And here we are. :)

2. And now for my picks...

After telling you my entry into blogging I would be remiss if I did not award the person whose blog introduced me to this network of wonderful people. Ashley at (In)fertile Myrtle is funny, honest, and has some great stories. She is also pregnant with twins and halfway to the big day! I haven't seen Ashley post awards and I find it hard to believe she hasn't received any - but if she's not into that kind of thing that's fine, I value her none the less.

I LOVE receiving comments, which brings me to my two next picks:

Kelli at No Lingerie Here is possibly the sweetest woman you would want to know. I can't tell you how many times her words have meant so much to me. I love her blog and am so happy that her sweet baby is getting closer and closer. Best of luck as always Kelli! Thanks for all the comments!

Another great commenter is Kari at Baby Steps...My Journey to Motherhood. She often has a kind word to offer and I truly appreciate her. She has been through too much on her journey and I pray every night that God will place her little baby in her arms in July. She would have taken a little pregnancy nausea to be that "good sign" we always hear about so she even offered to take some of mine. If only that were possible! Thanks Kari!

I have many frequent commenters and could go on and on... Some of you have already received this award and some of you have so many readers I know it is just around the corner. But rest assured, any comments from you guys are always appreciated! I know that some IF women struggle to read blogs of those who are pregnant and I know I have lost some readers along the way. Thank you so much to those of you who have stuck with me. There is nothing more that I wish for all of us than to have our precious babies come to us. And I pray for it every night.

What We Lost

We lost a girl who had over 700 people show up to her reviewal and over 600 people come to her funeral. I don't think I know 700 people let alone that many who would show up to my funeral.

We lost a girl who touched many lives through being a daycare provider, Sunday school teacher, scrapbook club organizer, local sports booster club member, coworker, student, classmate, daughter, sister, granddaughter, niece, cousin, neighbor, friend, girlfriend, and most importantly, mother.

Thank you all for your kind words of support and sympathy. It really has meant a lot to me as I struggle with my own grief and ache for her immediate family, who are suffering greatly.

Her funeral was beautiful, if that's possible. So many people came together to make it possible. We cried a billion tears and are pretty sure we set a record for kleenexes used in one day.

The same day as her funeral both her brother and sister were scheduled to play hockey games for their respective teams. They both decided to play and both teams wore pink armbands (her favorite color) with Carrie's initials. Our whole family attended and we actually had fun. It was nice to see everyone smile, if only for a few hours. I asked my 14-year-old cousin Alex to check someone for me and he happily obliged. In fact, towards the end of the game as he skated by four members of the opposing team one after another he gave them a little open ice check. I don't condone violence or poor sportsmanship but come on, it's hockey. I was beaming! What can I say, I get rowdy at hockey games. I'm a Minnesotan.

I debated on whether to include a link to a story about Carrie. She was all over the news. My desire for privacy (due to hubby's wishes) was overcome by my desire to show you, if you feel so inclined to look, what a beautiful person she was, inside and out. Plus, her last name is not the same as mine or anyone else in our extended family. If you really wanted to figure out my true identity, you probably could but oh well. The link has a written story as well as a video on the side. I chose one that did not show the scene of the accident. So here it is:

http://wcco.com/local/submerged.car.death.2.1360530.html

***
In other news, as far as I know, my pregnancy is progressing. I am now 9 weeks 3 days. I am still so nervous and it has been hard to let my guard down to be excited. Additionally, I have been so sick that I have lost 8 lbs. I have a small frame and was not overweight so I am starting to become alarmed. My family noticed I had lost weight. I have an appointment next Monday so I know this will come up and I am trying to deal until then when we can decide what to do, if anything. Before my cousin's funeral I prayed that I would be able to make it through physically. I didn't want to throw up or pass out and take any focus off of her. Thankfully, I felt better physically those two days then I have the past four weeks. I ate almost normally. However, after three nights in a row of four hours of sleep, yesterday I was feeling awful. Sleep is a big factor!

I have found that the easiest thing to eat is a sandwich with lunch meat, even though lunch meat is not recommended. If that is the only thing I can stomach then screw it, it is what I will eat for now. Right now I need calories and almost nothing else will go down. I will have to hope and pray that I don't contract whatever bacteria it is that people are concerned about during pregnancy.

My Favorite Cousin

I know you aren't supposed to say you have favorite family members but I have a favorite cousin, named Carrie. I think it is because when she was born I was 7 years old and none of my other cousins lived nearby. I saw her in the hospital the day she was born and that kind of thing is very exciting when you're 7. My aunt, her mother, was a single mom who had been kicked out of the place she was living by another family member when it came out that she was pregnant. She came to live with us and stayed for her entire pregnancy. After Carrie was born the two of them had a place of their own but they were nearby so I got to see them a lot. As I got a little bit older I was the perfect age to babysit Carrie and I did so often.

Since I moved far away from my family Carrie has been like my lifeline to the family. She always knows all the family info and who is up to what, good or bad. I could always get the info from her. She was good about staying in touch with me and we chatted on facebook often. When I miscarried I learned just how fast information can pass from Carrie to the rest of my family. I told her about it and literally 10 minutes later received an email from another one of my aunts. It was for this reason that I have been thinking about Carrie a lot lately. I know she has been looking forward to hearing that hubby and I are going to be having a baby and I know how excited she would be to hear it. I also knew there would then be no reason to tell anyone else on that side of the fam because they would know within minutes! I have been waiting to be "far enough along", whatever I decide that will be, to tell her.

On Tuesday night Carrie was driving home from her job after 9pm on treacherous winter roads. She braked and swerved to avoid a stalled car but instead lost control, went down an embankment, crashed through a fence, and her car ended up upside down and submerged in a creek. It took 25 minutes to get her out and she was unresponsive. Once during and once after open heart surgery she crashed but the doctors revived her. Unfortunately, they told us the outlook was very grim. As my mom was telling me all of this and asking me to pray, Carrie died.

My favorite, my lifeline, just 22 years old. I love her so much and can't believe that she's gone. I was going to share my news with her in just a few weeks, God willing. Tomorrow hubby and I and my parents will fly home to attend her funeral. It is heartbreaking for me and I can't imagine the pain that her immediate family is in right now. Carrie also has a three year old daughter. How do you tell a 3 year old that mommy isn't coming home? Carrie and her daughter had never moved out of Carrie's parents house as Carrie was going to school and had just recently earned her college degree. Now they fear that they will lose Carrie's daughter too, as the baby's father who rarely sees her and has never paid a dime for her could take her away in a minute. We can only pray that she will stay with her grandparents, where she belongs. If you can spare a prayer for this family in their darkest hour, they could use it.

From Disbelief to Sort-Of Belief

It is amazing how with all evidence to the contrary I can still have a voice in my head telling me that I am probably not pregnant. I had a positive HPT, two positive blood tests with numbers going the way they should. I go number 1 all the time, I can't go number 2, I feel like I could barf at any minute, I am exhausted but can't sleep (these are not complaints, simply observations). Yet a voice in my head says maybe I am just sick. I can't really be pregnant. This can't be real. I know this is normal but it feels weird. I have been so nervous and so reluctant to let myself be happy and enjoy.

But today we have the indisputable proof that there is a baby in there and, as far as anybody would be able to tell, all is well. I had my first ultrasound today. I was so nervous and I was sure she was going to tell me the same thing as last time - that they couldn't see anything, there was no baby, no sac, no nothing. Talk about doubting yourself, being told that really makes you think you're crazy. And if you ever want to see an ultrasound tech clear out of the room in a hurry...

But I digress. Today was different. First she looked at my cervix while hubby and I (we later conferred) were both silently screaming, "Get to the important part!!!!". It looked nice and closed. Then she found the baby and said, "There it is and there is the heartbeat." I started sobbing tears of relief. I apologized and told her last time had been bad news and she shook her head to indicate she understood. She did have to tell me to "try to make my belly soft" at one point while I was trying to hold back the stream of tears. The heart rate was 154 bpm and the baby measured at 7w3d, exactly what I thought based on all the data regarding ovulation. Based on my LMP they would expect 8w2d but I told her right away it wouldn't measure at that and she confirmed that I was right.

The rest of the appointment went fine and I had a pap and full exam and the works. One of the NPs saw me (the one I really like - not the one who told me to expect implantation bleeding during week 6) and she answered all my questions and asked me a million more. I can't believe they expect you to know your birth plan, whether you would circumcise a boy, etc. at this point. Lady, I am still trying to convince myself that I am actually pregnant.

I think I have the pregnant part believed but bringing home a baby in 7.5 months, that remains to be seen. It is nice to hear that once a heartbeat is seen that the chance of miscarriage goes way down but I know all too well, perhaps from reading too many IF blogs, that the small chance of heartbreak is very real.

For now, all I can do is try to relax and try to steal at least a few sublimely happy moments.

Oh, and my due date is July 16.

Sick. Again.

At least I think and hope so. Yesterday I woke up feeling very nauseous. Then I unpleasntly lost my breakfast. I though, uh oh, the morning sickness has kicked it up a notch. I then went to work very late and was still not feeling great. Against my desire, I opened up to my boss. Turns out he already suspected I was pregnant. WTF?! He said he thought that was what it was two weeks ago when I was sick. I guess he has been assuming this was coming given that he knew about my miscarriage.

In the afternoon, the nausea took a turn for the worse. All I could focus on was not throwing up. I told my boss that I was no good for the time being and that I hoped I could get the nausea under control so I could be functional. I had my mom come pick me up because I was dizzy too and I spent the rest of the day MISERABLE. My head was in a bucket all day and all I could force down was one soda cracker and a spoonful of applesauce. I tried every morning sickness trick in the book and nothing worked. Everything I put in my mouth tasted terrible and was such a turnoff. Have you ever noticed how many food commercials are on tv when you feel like barfing?! I had to change the channel so many times. Then I was also sweating and going back and forth between hot and cold.

That is when I began to hope and pray that I was sick and not nauseous due to the pregnancy. I started having visions of being that sick for 8 more months and even read about a condition called hype.remesis gravi.darum which basically means severe barfing where pregnant women can't keep anything down and wind up in the hospital with a feeding tube and sometimes even terminate the pregnancy because their and their baby's health is so in danger. Dammit go.ogle, why you gotta scare me like that?

Today I am happy to report that I don't feel 100% but am much better and even ate a whole bowl of soup with no incident. I have never been so happy to have a stomach virus in all my life. Thank God! I was also starting to fear not being able to enjoy turkey, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, dinner rolls, jello salad, and pie on Thursday! But apparently I should be prepared to get every darn bug that goes around. They aren't kidding when they tell you your immune system is depressed during pregnancy.

Today, I am so thankful for an understanding boss, a wonderful husband and mom who both put up with my demands yesterday, the ability to eat, and of course, my little baby to be. I hope he or she is doing well. I am excited but very nervous for our first ultrasound next Monday.

Today

Today was supposed to be the due date for my first pregnancy.

Today I should have a baby in my arms, be in labor, or imminently awaiting labor. I am none of those.

Today I should be an emotional wreck. But I am not* because...

Today I am 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. And nauseous as hell. And excited and nervous and scared.



*Still sad though.

My Trip to the ER

Last night I had a bit of panic set in. I just wasn't getting better and I started coughing and having chest pains. I also spent a little too much time reading about pregnant women dying from H1.N1 after they got pneumonia. And I started regretting not taking the Tam.iflu. So off to the ER we went at about 12:45am this morning. I decided to try a different ER than the one we have been to before (once for hubby's gall bladder attack, once for my m/c) since we knew it would probably be at least five hours there. I did a quick google search and found another one nearby that said it had ~30 min waits and 2 hr trip totals on average. I'm really glad we chose that one.

I actually waited a little over an hour to get to triage but then hardly waited at all to see someone since they "fast tracked" me. The nurse practitioner walked into my curtain, took one look at me and told me I did not have the flu. She said if I had the flu I would look like it, basically glassy eyes and death warmed over. She told me she understood I was worried but that with my symptoms there are about five viruses going around and it's not surprising my suppressed immune system is taking a while to deal with it. She said there was no reason to take Tam.iflu because I was already five days with symptoms and there would have been no reason for me to start it when it was prescribed on Friday. She listened to my lungs and said they sounded great, which was what I was worried about, and sent me on my way. She also told me quite a bit about what I can and can't take, and what I can do to try to help my immune system so I don't get sick again. She was very reassuring and it was unfortunate that it will cost us at least $200 for that but it was worth it. I felt so much better after going and so did hubby. I am SO glad I didn't take the Tam.iflu!! The best part was that she did NOT tell me that my baby still has to implant!

Today I'm happy to report that I finally feel a little better. I still have a very low grade fever but the NP said that may be my norm my entire pregnancy. I may have even had that before I got sick and didn't realize it. I also think I may have a little nausea today. Yay! My mom keeps telling me I shouldn't wish for that but she doesn't understand and never lost a pregnancy. It is so reassuring to me. Plus, I just read in What to Expect that women with nausea are much less likely to miscarry. HA mom! And as long as I'm not actually puking I will not complain.

Thank you all so much for your well wishes and prayers! Now I just can't wait for my ultrasound on the 30th so I can finally be assured that everything is progressing as it should be. I wish it wasn't still 2 weeks away. Ugh, a new tww!

Dr. Update

Well, my doctor visit was very quick. Basically, the nurse practitioner who I saw said that because I am pregnant and have flu-like symptoms that she wanted me to take Tam.iflu. I asked, "Even though I'm pregnant?" and she answered, "Because you're pregnant." She also said it will probably be at least a week to get back results from the nasal swab they did.

Now I am freaking out. I really don't want to take it. I feel like I should wait and see if I get worse but it is advised that you start taking it within 48 hours of developing symptoms. Well I have had symptoms since late Monday night already. I really don't know what to do.

The other thing that scared me was that the NP, who knows I am exactly 5 weeks pregnant, told me that my baby still has to implant and that I should not be alarmed if I see implantation bleeding. WTF?! Am I the only person alarmed by this statement? I have always really liked the Dr. and NP I usually see and feel very comfortable with both of them but I am really starting to wonder about some of the other people there.

I also think that it seems that people who have had serious complications from H1.N1 have had them come on very suddenly. Some people aren't getting as sick from H1.N1 as others and if I have it it seems likely I would be one of the former. Wouldn't that mean I would be less likely to have a serious complication that everyone is so worried about? I haven't even so much as coughed once.

Help! What do I do?! (rhetorical question)

I Want My Hope Back!

I am still sick. I don't feel any better and the fever is hanging on.

I am going to the doctor today to make sure I don't have the flu and hopefully for reassurance. Ever since I got sick I don't feel pregnant anymore. Is it just that the illness sick is masking the pregnancy sick? Where did my nausea go? My OB specifically told me to let them know if my symptoms disappear. And what's with all the cramping? Is it just gas or is it my body preparing to flush out my baby?

Where there was joy and hope for a week, now there is just fear and anxiety.

Well, There's Good News and Bad News

So first, the good news:

I am pregnant! (There has to be an exclamation point. You will understand if you watched Sein.feld.) I saw the lightest, faintest, most beautiful little second line on the pee stick last Tuesday. I went in to the clinic on Wednesday for a blood draw and hcg was 40 and progesterone was 23.6. Repeated on Friday with an hcg of 134 and progesterone of 31.1. I am feeling a tolerable level of nausea, no cramping this time around (thank God) and, surprisingly, hope.

More about all this later and instead, on to the bad news:

I am sick. As in, I have some kind of virus. I have my seasonal flu shot already and I am not sick enough for it to be H1.N1 luckily, but I am undeniably sick. I had a terrible headache all day yesterday and then realized I had a fever. I still have a fever and it terrifies me. I read that 20-28 days past conception is the worst time to have a fever because so much of the central nervous system is just forming. I am 19 days past. Fortunately, my fever is not terrible and so far it has not gone above 99.3. I know I should probably not be worried but how can I not? I have taken one extra strength Ty.lenol twice when I panicked because the fever reached 99.3. My clinic says that's ok and I should just rest and stock up on fluids. They are telling me not to worry unless my temp goes over 100.3. I wouldn't be so damn worried if I was further along.

In any case, I know I was holding out on you guys (surprise!) and I hadn't decided when I was going to tell. But I decided I would tell today so that I could ask for your prayers or good vibes or whatever you are comfortable sending into the universe for me. Actually, not for me, I will be fine. For my little one.

Wall Color Update

We were at the new house last night putting out the garbage (they left the big can FULL - thanks a lot) so I checked out the master bedroom again. At night, it definitely looks a LOT better but is still much darker and bolder than I envisioned. In looking around and trying to decide where I would need to hang things on the walls I realized that there won't be that much open space for pictures and stuff. Our headboard is pretty tall, above one nightstand there is a window, there is another large window that takes up almost a whole wall, another wall has the bedroom door and the bathroom door, and the last wall will have our long dresser that has a mirror. Ok, I am starting to feel like maybe just maybe there will be enough of the green covered that I can deal. I will at least move our furniture in and see how I feel. Also, my husband asked if I would keep it for at least six months since he loves it. I couldn't say no when his face was lighting up, and this time it wasn't just because of the green glow!

Oh No! Fluorescent Pea Soup Walls!

As warned, I haven't posted in a while. We spent all day Friday, Saturday and today at the new house cleaning and painting. And remember my post about my dream of a green bedroom? I fear it is turning into a nightmare! It is much brighter and bolder than I thought it would be and part of me really wants to change it. However, hubby loves it and my mom who is the best painter refuses to change it. I am really hoping once we get some furniture, drapes and accessories in there I will change my mind. But I'm afraid I won't! I would post a pic but I keep forgetting to bring my camera over there. The color actually casts a green hue on people's skin when they're in there! Yikes!

On a happier painting note, we were planning to paint almost the whole first level ourselves but I found a professional painter who gave us a really reasonable quote. We'll have him do the living room/dining room combo which has a vaulted ceiling and the stairwell and upstairs landing and we'll save a few hundred by doing the family room ourselves since it has regular ceilings and really isn't too big. I am so excited that they will do the bulk of it! I can't wait, the walls really need paint! I'll have to post some before and afters soon. We should be all settled by the time our company arrives the first weekend in December. Lots to do but very exciting!

Patchy Blogging

Hello! I don't have much to say today except that my blog posts will probably be few and far between over the next few weeks. There is no way I could participate in NaBloPoMo or ICLW with all the painting, cleaning and moving that will be taking place. We signed our papers last night and the sellers sign tomorrow. We found out they have to bring over 14k to closing so we really hope they have it! I imagine they would have pointed out that minor detail if they didn't know where the money was coming from. So barring a disaster, the house will be ours on Thursday! Yay! I'm so excited to get it all set up how I want it.

I will probably be at least keeping up with the blogs I read because a lot of you have very exciting stuff going on. I can read at work, over my lunch break of course. ;) Good luck to everyone and as always, you and your babies or babies-in-waiting are in my prayers!

When Dealing with Idiots...

...it's best to keep your cool. Most idiots can't help that they're idiots. Let me recount to you this morning's idiocy. It was in the form of a phone call. Debbie* (the NP who is currently treating me) called to tell me that my prog.esterone level was 1, which I already knew, but I didn't hear my phone so she just left a message. The message said she wants to up me to 150 mg Clo.mid and to call if I had any questions. I did! So I called a left a message at the nurse's station stating that I would like to come in for a second blood draw because I think I ovulated AFTER the first one and that I don't want to up the Clo.mid unless I know for sure that I didn't ovulate. I finally got a call back from a nurse and this is how our conversation went (this may be paraphrased a little but is fairly accurate):

Combative Nurse (CN): Yeah hi, your blood work shows you didn't ovulate so what's the problem?
me: Well, I think I ovulated after the test so it wouldn't have shown up yet.
CN: Your b/w shows you didn't ovulate. What makes you think you ovulated?
me: Um, I got a positive opk and my temp chart supports that.
CN: Oh, ok. So why do you want to come in?
me: Because I don't want Debbie to up my Clo.mid unless I know for sure I didn't ovulate.
CN: Well where are you now?
me: CD 27.
CN: Well then it's too late to test, that has to be by CD21.
me: (trying desperately not to ask if she knows anything about the menstrual cycle) Well, if you assume most women ovulate on CD14 and you ask them to come in 5-7 days later to test the progesterone level, if I come in tomorrow which is 5-7 days past my suspected ovulation how is that different?
CN: Oh, well I'm going to have to consult with Debbie about that.
me: Wonderful.
CN: But you could be pregnant and then you won't need Clo.mid next month.
me: Um, ovulation does not always lead to a pregnancy.
CN: Ok, I guess I'll talk to Debbie then and get back to you.

Second call, about 30 minutes later:

CN: Yeah, Debbie thinks you should go ahead and come in to get the test run again.
me: (yes, because Debbie is not a freaking moron) Great, should I come in tomorrow?
CN: She didn't say when, she just said to come in.
me: Ok, I'll be there tomorrow. Thanks (for nothing).

I seem to remember getting in verbal spats with this voice on the phone before. There is probably a "Note" in my file. True story, my mom once sued her employer for discrimination and the lawyers tried to dig up dirt on her and they said "Your medical records show that you once yelled at a nurse." She was stunned and thought 'that was seriously the best you could come up with to discredit me?'. Guess she's squeaky clean, other than nurse abuse.

*name changed to protect the reasonable and innocent

I'm a Hypocritical A-Hole

Maybe hypocritical isn't the right word... self-righteous doesn't really fit either...

Allow me to explain. I have seen a lot of infertile women write about how they are completely unable to be happy for other women who become pregnant. Now let me make sure to say that I absolutely do not blame any of these women for how they feel. However, I do not often feel the same. I am genuinely happy for people when they tell me that they are expecting. Of course, there is always a longing in my heart when I hear about it or see baby pictures. But yet I always have a smile on my face while my heart hurts a little. This generally only applies to people I actually know (and don't dislike) and especially applies to anyone on infertility blogs that I read. Those pregnancies feel like victories and are especially exciting to me!

Here is the problem. There is a teeny tiny part of me that sometimes feels proud of myself for this. I feel bad for admitting this. But if you are one of these women, don't get mad, read on.

Today I clicked a link from the October ICLW list. The blogger even described it as a pregnancy blog but I clicked anyway. I'm the girl who thinks every pregnancy is great, right? I was in for a surprise. I first noticed that based on her posts that she must be close in age to me. Sure enough, her profile listed her as 28, just one year younger than me. Then I saw that her baby is due next month. This should have been a red flag for me but I kept reading. In fact, I clicked around so I could find the part where she wrote about finding out she was pregnant. What is wrong with me? When I found it I nearly started crying - her due date is two days after mine would have been. I clicked away without commenting on any of her posts. I couldn't bring myself to congratulate her. I guess it turns out I'm not the president of the pregnancy congratulations parade like I thought I was.

When I first miscarried I thought, "At least I can get pregnant. As long as I can be pregnant on my would-have-been due date, I'll be fine. I've got 8 months. That day will pass, I'll be pregnant again and I won't have to be too sad about it." Um, remember how that is next month? As in I should be giving birth in about three weeks, yet here I am still bitching about my stupid ovaries that may or may not have produced an egg this month for ONLY THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR. I guess my bitterness resides just below the surface.

I have only one more thing to say before I try my hardest to go back to being happy for all* pregnant women: When will it be my turn?

*except women I don't like, women I don't know, crack whores, women who are due on or around the same day I was, and women who ask you to take their children

Comments on Your Comments

Thank you all for your comments and ideas on my last post. I thought I'd give an update and respond to some of your questions at the same time. Those same people may not be back to my blog but that's ok!

First, the update: I went in for a progesterone test on CD2o, which was the day BEFORE I got the positive opk. So not surprisingly, it was too low (1). I wanted to ask if I could come in for another one this Friday (would be ~6dpo if I o'd) but my NP isn't in until Wednesday so she will call me then.

I guess that's also an answer to a question I got, too. My clinic just defaults at CD19-21 as when to come in for the progesterone test but that obviously doesn't work well with a long cycle. I am hoping they will let me come in because I really do want to know if I o'd before we decide to up the Clo.mid.

As far as the opk line being close to dark enough, then gone, then def positive - yes, it could have been that the one in the middle before the positive was lighter because I was more hydrated. Maybe it was getting stronger over that first day but was diluted in the evening. Who knows for sure? But my temps are behaving just as they should also, so at this point I would be surprised and disappointed if I didn't o.

I was also asked about progesterone and estrogen supplements. My clinic has never offered these to me, nor have they ever monitored how thick my lining is. This is another reason that I am only willing to do one more cycle before I go to the RE. IF I o'd this time, I will do one more and if no baby then it's on to the specialists. If I didn't o, we'll up the Clo.mid and that will still be the last time I'll try with the regular OB office. It's been too long on Clo.mid and too many things they aren't addressing and I don't have a decade to wait.

But I can't blame them, this is not their main focus - they specialize in helping blissfully happy and naive pregnant bitches. I need someone who specializes in "difficult cases" like me.

P.S. Yes, that last post title was a little nod to Dumb and Dumber :)

So You're Sayin' There's a Chance!

I was ultra super busy at work today and almost forgot my daily POAS routine at lunch time. I had seriously considered not doing it at all. Yesterday I got a test line that was either as dark as or just slightly lighter than the control. Even that surprised me as yesterday was CD20. But if this is shaping up to be a 35 day cycle then it makes sense. But after much debate, hubby and I decided it might have been a positive so we "planned accordingly". But today there was no denying (test on left, control on right - sorry for the blurriness but I had to share with someone!):


Hooray! I was positively elated! Now I realize that this is not a guarantee of ovulation, but it is the closest thing I have seen since February. I haven't seen so much as a hint of a line since then. And I've been doing so much bitching lately saying that I just want a chance to get pregnant so maybe here it is. Of course I want to actually get my BFP but at this point I will be happy with ovulation as a first step. In any case, something more is going on in there compared to the previous 6 months!

Here are my complaints (and what kind of infertile would I be if I didn't have any?): (1) my temps still haven't been showing me anything to be excited about. Can I still get pregnant if the chart doesn't look pretty? (2) I have been hearing a lot lately about Clo.mid being detrimental to the lining - does this typically prevent implantation or can it lead to a m/c too? and (3) I had the almost-line yesterday at noon, tested a second time yesterday evening and saw nothing, and then had the line for sure today. Do you test twice a day? Maybe I shouldn't be doing that even though my kit says I should. Have you ever seen a line disappear only to come back again? What would that mean?

Despite my concerns I have to be happy with my line. I truly had given up hope on this cycle and really didn't have much to begin with. Of course, now I have hope just waiting to be dashed where there was none before. *Sigh* But finally I have a signal that something is going on in there. Let's hope it's something great!

Fertility Across Cultures

I recently said goodbye to a girl I supervised at work. She left to get married and will then relocate to be with her future husband. We'll call her Jane. Jane started out as an intern and continued working part time after graduating this past summer. I didn't spend any time with her outside of work (or lunch), but I liked her and she was a good worker.

Jane is Indian but was born in the U.S. and lived here for part of her childhood. Her family returned to India when she was 12-ish and lived there until Jane was ready to go to college. The family then moved back to the U.S. so she and her siblings could attend college here.

Shortly after I met Jane she mentioned that her father was pushing for her to get married and that once she was finished with college she wouldn't have an excuse anymore to refuse. The thing is, she was to have an arranged marriage and she was quickly becoming "too old" at 25 to find a quality husband. Her father is obviously very traditional in keeping with this custom, as obviously not all Indian-Americans or even Indians continue to have arranged marriages. Jane was accepting of this and in some ways more than happy to go along with it. Once I learned that she was open to talking about it I probably asked her a million questions because I was so interested to learn more about it and how it all worked.

I could go on and on about the process of finding a husband and arranging the marriage but that is not the point of this story, fascinating as those details are. But once Jane's father had found a "match" that they were interested in (there are websites for this whole process - somewhat similar to mat.ch.com and others) they invited him to their home to visit. Thankfully, Jane would be able to refuse any potential husband if she didn't feel right about it. Although I'm not sure how useful that is when only meeting someone once. But I digress... He came with his sister and her family and the meeting went well and everything seemed to be on the right track.

Unfortunately, Jane was admitted to the hospital the next day for what I later found out was heavy menstrual bleeding that had been going on for more than a month. She was diagnosed with PCOS and was told that was the cause of her issues. She had also been experiencing dizzy spells, likely related.

All told she was out of work for a week. When she came back she looked terrible and I was very worried about her but she insisted that she was fine and could work. The following week she came to my office all smiles and looking so much better. She told me that her suitor had agreed to marry her. Apparently, he and his family had been having second thoughts once they learned about her new diagnosis of PCOS. They were concerned that she might not be able to have children, and therefore carry on her husband's family as he is the only living son. Ultimately, they chose to proceed but it had been the cause of a lot of worry and stress for her. She had already had a previous arrangement fall through because the man backed out (for reasons he didn't specify) and I think she was reluctant to start the search over. She also felt she would have to reveal her potential fertility issues to each new person.

This incident really hit home for me and made me think. Just what issues come up when dealing with fertility in cultures other than my own? I feel very lucky to have not had to worry too much about it. I would not be embarrassed to reveal my issues to most anyone. If they thought less of me because of it I would consider that their loss. I don't bring it up with most people because I figure they don't want to hear about my ovaries and my husbands sperm. If asked, however, I would discuss just about any aspect.

There also was a time when I did reveal my PCOS to my now-husband, then-boyfriend, and I told him that I may never have children of my own. He didn't care and said that we would find another way to build our family if it came to that. Truthfully, I didn't expect his reaction to be any different than what it ultimately was. I would expect that if a man married me it would be for more than my ability to carry on his genes. I guess it was different for Jane's future husband. For one thing, it was different because there weren't really emotions involved in it. They certainly are not yet "in love". But were there also other things at work such as cultural expectations for family or even gender?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and wondering what extra pressures are put on women or men with fertility challenges in other countries and cultures. Is there more shame connected to what they feel compared to me? Or less in some cases? Even though I am not ashamed of my issues, that doesn't mean that I have not struggled with feeling inadequate or guilty at times. And of course I realize that even women who live in the same country as I don't have exactly the same experiences. Culture obviously isn't the only thing that shapes the way we and others react to our infertility. But what if I lived in a place where I was expected to bear children? Or I couldn't talk about my fertility issues or even have the opportunity to be properly diagnosed? Not all people in my country are as open-minded as I am about infertility and obviously many of us have faced unfortunate situations at the hands of ignorant fertiles, but in the U.S. we arguably have more understanding and less social stigma than in many other places.

I don't judge Jane and her family for the way they enter into marriage; that is their tradition and view and I don't begrudge them that given that she is an adult and willing participant. But I certainly feel fortunate that these issues didn't play a role in the evaluation of my suitability as a wife.

October ICLW

Happy ICLW!

I had to post again so that if you're new here, your first impression isn't that post below. I felt a little weird after i posted it but I was just so darn excited. And when I think about it, it's no different than blogging about how many follicles I have or how big they are. And lately there have been no follicles, so...

Anyway, I'm off track. Hi! I'm Jill and I have PCO. I have very few periods naturally and I don't think I ovulate during most or any of those cycles. I went to my OB to ask for help getting pregnant last fall. So it's officially been one year of proactive ttc. But I had been off of birth control for several years before that. Clo.mid worked once for me and I got pregnant but miscarried shortly after. I conceived in February and that was the last time I ovulated, even though I've been using Clo.mid again. I am very close to getting shipped off to an RE.

Other than that, I live with my hubby and two Boston Terriers in the Phoenix area. Hubby is a teacher and I am a scientist. We just bought a house and will be closing in two weeks. Exciting times! I'm excited to find some new blogs and maybe get a few comments, too. Have a great week!

Happy 10th Anniversary, Sperminator!

I'm home sick today. Blech. But life goes on...

Ever since hubby got the call that his s/a looked "good", I have been anxiously awaiting the actual results. I made him call and request the numbers. I am a scientist, I need data!

The sheet they filled out gives his result for all the categories and then provides a "reference value" which I assumed was a normal range. I did a little extra googling though, to see if there were different "normal" ranges floating around. Of course there are. In any case, it doesn't really matter because apparently my hubby does have quite the little army, by any scale. Consider yourself warned: serious TMI to follow.

His percent with normal morphology is 63%. I saw 15, 30, and 60% all listed as normal, so we're good to go. The only thing that isn't stellar about the little guys is that they're no Michael Phelps. Motility was only 45%. The reference value on our chart was 40% but according to most other sources 45% is just a bit low. However, it really doesn't matter because of his count. The number I saw most frequently for average was 60 million/mL but also saw that anything over 20 million is ok. His count was 234 million/mL! Damn! So 45% of 234 million is still more than the average man has, total. This man could knock up a tree! Ok, ew, bad visual. His answer to my analysis of his analysis? He said, "Good thing I wasn't a slut when I was younger. I'd have kids running around all over the place." Yes dear, good thing. :) And if I were Michelle Duggar and we had gotten married right away, we'd probably have 10 kids by now.

I am ecstatic about this news, of course. This doesn't begin to make my situation better but at least it doesn't add insult to injury. Now where are my eggs, damnit?!

As we were discussing this I realized that we missed an anniversary. Not our wedding anniversary, but the anniversary of when we started dating. It was a little over two weeks ago. Hubby was really cute, he made a point to bring it up every month of our first year together. We usually remembered it annually after that but it has sort of fallen off, not surprisingly. But this one was a big one. Ten years we have been a couple! I look back and feel happy that I was so young when we started dating (19) and still pretty young when we got married (23) but I still managed to pick a wonderful mate, sperm or no sperm.

Happy 10th anniversary, honey! Maybe I shouldn't be blogging about this, but we blog about AF and eggs and crap all the time, right? At least it's good news!

How Quickly the Tide Turns

A few days ago I thought all was well with the world. Since then my bbt is not following any sort of recognizable scheme and the line on my opk that taunted me not only didn't get darker, it has disappeared altogether. Sigh. The word frustrated just doesn't cut it anymore.

I've decided it's time. Time to move on to an RE. My OB told me that they could keep upping the Clo.mid by 50 mg to 250 mg (I'm at 100 this month) but that seems like a waste of time to me. I got pregnant the first month of taking 50 mg before so it seems that continuing to raise the dose isn't going to fix whatever is going on. She's also suggested taking b/c for a while to get my hormones under control but I just don't know. If Clo.mid is the only thing they can do I think it's time to consult with some heavier artillery. What is your experience? Is Clo.mid or other oral drugs they only thing an OB can offer? Are injectables only given by specialists?

I think in the time it will take me to actually get an appointment with an RE I can finish this cycle and maybe try one more. Hopefully it won't be longer than that. I feel like if only I could have a normal period the drugs would have a chance. But I have no control over that, unfortunately.

I guess I'll call tomorrow. Double sigh.

Three Great Things

Yes, there are three great things that have happened in the last two days! Well, 2.5 really.

First, we finally got the purchase of the house back on track! We were getting so antsy after we had waited a week past when the appraisal came in low. The sellers' agent kept telling us they'd have an offer "tomorrow". They told us that from last Friday through Tuesday. We were afraid we would lose that house and a backup plan we had found. Finally on Tuesday we said, "ENOUGH". Well, our agent got that point across anyway and it worked. They finally got us the offer of the appraised price (but w/o closing costs) and they will still do the repairs. Exactly what we were hoping! Yay!!!!! We close three weeks from today. Yikes! We were planning not to move in until some time in December but hubby's brother and wife and best friend and wife all called this past week to ask if they could come visit when the Vikings come to town on December 6th. Now the plan is to be all settled by then. That gives us four weekends to work with but we had to cancel our Thanksgiving trip to Sedona. But it will be worth it to have visitors there and also be all settled by Christmas!

The second piece of good news was the result from hubby's SA. He provided a sample yesterday and today they called to say everything looked good. They didn't give any numbers so I will have to get him to ask them to send the official results. In any case, just hearing that all is well makes me feel a lot better. I suspected it would be fine due to my first pregnancy but you never know. We only dtd once during the appropriate time of that cycle on CD 11(recreationally, we thought, so I *ahem* wasn't "careful" with the "deposit") and then he was really sick. I didn't get a positive opk until CD14. So it was probably a good four days they hung around and managed to knock me up so I knew his soldiers had to be somewhat capable. Now if only I could pop a damn egg out again... One ovulation per year is pretty pathetic.

Which brings me to great thing #2.5. Today I POAS'd and saw a decent line on the opk. Hopefully in the next couple of days we can get that test line to be darker than the control. I wasn't holding out much hope due to the total lack of ovulation since my m/c in March but that line gave me a glimmer of hope. But it's not positive yet so that's why this item only qualifies for half a great thing. There is still greatness yet to be accomplished. Also, my bbt went way down today. That's good, right? Don't let me down, eggs! I just need one of you! Let's fill up the nursery in that big, new house!

Whilst I Wait For My Future Housing Fate...

(Hey, that rhymes!)

Anyway, we are still waiting on news of our on-the-brink-of-collapse housing deal to be figured out (isn't one week after an appraisal enough time for them to make up their damn minds?!). I want to tell them to shove it right after I punch them in their faces, if only I didn't want to buy their house so badly. (Ok, I am not a violent person and I would never punch someone in the face. Well, only if they really had it coming.)

In the meantime, I thought I would post the award/meme that was sent by BabyHungry (God bless her aching soul). I won't tag anyone because I have seen this thing everywhere! But I'll participate for fun. :)

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers (just gonna disregard this one!)
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? purse
2. Your hair? hopeless
3. Your mother? crazy
4. Your father? relaxed
5. Your favorite food? pizza
6. Your dream last night? weird
7. Your favorite drink? diet
8. Your dream/goal? babies
9. What room are you in? living
10. Your hobby? crafts
11. Your fear? babylessness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? here
13. Where were you last night? out
14. Something that you aren’t? pregnant
15. Muffins? yesplease
16. Wish list item? baby
17. Where did you grow up? Minnesota
18. Last thing you did? worked
19. What are you wearing? pajamas
20. Your TV? football
21. Your pets? adorable
22. Friends? afar
23. Your life? stagnant
24. Your mood? anxious
25. Missing someone? friends
26. Vehicle? Honda
27. Something you’re not wearing? earrings
28. Your favorite store? all
29. Your favorite color? purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? earlier
31. Last time you cried? unsure
32. Your best friend? hubby
33. One place that I go to over and over? zoo
34. One person who emails me regularly? nobody
35. Favorite place to eat? Mediterranean(style)

An Award!

Saige from Return to Innocence gave me this award - thanks Saige!

The rules are that I must write 10 things about me that my readers don't already know. We'll see how many times I have to save this post and come back later to think up 10 things!

1. I hate to cook which I fear makes me a Bad Wife. I taught hubby my limited cooking skills so he does virtually all of the cooking now. He doesn't mind as long as I clean up after dinner. Plus he always gets home at least an hour before I do.

2. I have OCD about symmetry. When I was in college my mom redecorated my room at home and put up a swaggy curtain thing and made it purposely assymetrical. It almost gave me an aneurysm.

3. I recently learned that I have a physiological excuse for hating vegetables. I am a supertaster. Yeah that's right, google it. I have about 5 times as many taste buds as hubby (oh, I totally measured!).

4. It's not hard to see why I love hubby so much when I consider where (who) he came from. I feel like I won the in-law lottery. They are all super-fantastic!

5. I have now had 12 different addresses spanning three states, and 10 of those in the last 10 years. This is kind of sad considering I lived in one house until age nine, and then just one more for the remainder of my childhood. I guess college kicked off the Great Nomadic Years. God willing (still waiting to hear), we will also have a new one soon and will STAY PUT for a few years!

6. I wasn't sure if I was going to reveal this on my blog, but gosh darnit I'm proud to be a native Minnesotan! I sure miss it and the family and friends there. Oh, and last Sunday's football game (Vikes v. Packers) was possibly the best I have ever watched!

7. If there is movie theatre popcorn in front of me I cannot not eat it. I will eat myself sick every time.

8. I still have dreams (nightmares, really) that I have to go back to work at Wal-Mart. I was a cashier for almost five years (high school/college), ending eight years ago. Will this ever stop?!

9. It is my goal to see all 50 states before I die. I still have 23 to go.

10. Just over two years ago I earned my PhD. It still surprises me when I am addressed as Dr. So-and-so because I don't think of myself that way. (Oh, and my grandpa told me that I can't go around introducing myself as Dr. So-and-so, because then people will think I am a medical doctor. Thanks for being proud, Grandpa, and no worries - I don't.)

Now I am to tag a few people to receive the award, and so I can learn more about them! I choose:

1. CJ at Al/right Already!

2. Baby Hungry

3. Lisa at A Seattle Couple's Story

If you see yourself here and feel like participating, please do! Otherwise, no worries.

Got Problems?

I have been having a Very Bad Week. There have been several reasons for this and I began to feel very sorry for myself today.

First, I am mildly sick. Mostly my stomach is rebelling against me and I have had a headache for I-don't-know-how-many-straight days. This is probably the least of my problems but, at a minimum, just adds insult to injury. And a few years ago I had E. coli which actually really robustified my guts, and I hardly ever have an upset tummy anymore. It's probably hormonal, but I'm not used to this crap.

Second, as I have already explained, Aunt Flow is being a mean old b*#ch. I was trying to figure out what CD1 should be and had only spotting for FIVE days. Thinking it wasn't going to actually live up to it's name and FLOW, I punted and called yesterday CD5 and started taking the Clo.mid. Guess what showed up today? Yes, you guessed it, tampon alert. I have no idea how this will affect whether the Clo.mid will work or not. I'm not very optimistic.

And finally, and worst of all, our house purchase is on the verge of collapse. The appraisal came in too low. I was originally warned that it could be as bad as 45k low. Apparently the foreclosure sales are really taking a toll on values, even more than we thought. I was sure the sellers would cancel the sale and stay in their house. In actuality, it came in 17k low, which only sounds good in comparison to 45k. We have already been waiting for two days to find out what they will do to make the deal work and who knows when we finally will hear. They have been slow at every other step so why not this step. They laugh in the face of offer expirations. If we want to find another house and close before the tax credit goes away, we have precious little time.

So again, I was feeling very bad for myself until lunchtime when I came across this video that a friend posted to facebook:




Wow. It was just the slap in the face I needed today. This guy has no limbs. Yet here he is motivating others. He doesn't feel sorry for himself. He knows he can't change his circumstances, only how he reacts to them. He types 43 words per minute with a single toe at the end of his one disformed "foot". The point of my posting this is not to show how sorry I feel for him, but rather to say, "What the hell is my excuse?".

That's not to say that I, or any of us, don't deserve to feel sorry for ourselves sometimes. We all have our moments and we as infertiles go through a lot that other people don't understand. What we can learn from Nick is that we have no choice but to get back up and keep facing our challenges. Or else we're just lying on our faces, wishing things were better. So I'm trying to stay positive and focus on things I do have control over.

If you are so inclined, you can search for more videos of Nick Vujicic on youtube. There is a great one that is almost 10 minutes long that shows him going about his day while living alone in his own home. It is pretty cool. He is actually a preacher and so some of the videos focus on his speaking about God, which may or may not be your cup of tea. In any case, he is pretty darn inspirational and it was just what I needed today.

So in the spirit of looking on the bright side, I have ovaries that have responded to stimulation in the past, even if they are royally pissing me off right now. I have and can afford a place to live, even if I can't ultimately buy the house I fell in love with. And I can always get E. coli again to recondition my stomach if I so choose. Ok, not so much that last one.

P.S. I know two of you have sent me awards which I really appreciate and promise I will get to soon. :)

My So-Called Period

I am so frustrated by my period. Friday was CD 35 but I thought I would give it a day or two more and then Saturday my period showed up. You'd think yay, but not so much. Today is day three of just very light spotting. This is what has been going on ever since my miscarriage. I never had this problem before. AF would show up and there'd be no question about it.

The problem is when to take the Clomid. In the past I have had three cycles with spotting for two or three days and then nothing for several days and then a full blown period. If I count the spotting as CD1 then I would still have my period halfway through my cycle. If I counted the return of AF as CD1 it didn't work either. I don't know what I can do anymore.

My OB office says that any bleeding at all is CD1 but I have heard most other people say that spotting doesn't count. What does your doctor say?

I guess I will wait at least another day since I would normally do CD3-7 for Clomid but I know some also use CD5-9. Maybe there will be a clearer picture of what is going on in the next day or two.

Sigh.... I just want to be able to do SOMETHING to try to get pregnant. I feel like I haven't been able to even try since my miscarriage in March. Mostly because I haven't.

Phew...Finally Out of the Closet

Well, I finally came out of the blogger closet to my husband. I hadn't told him about the fact that I have a blog until now. It felt very weird to me because I normally tell him everything - maybe to the point of over sharing! But he is sensitive about privacy issues and I wasn't sure how he would feel about this. I thought maybe I might never tell him but quickly realized that just wasn't feasible. First off, I felt strange trying to close a window if I was writing a post and he came to sit next to me on the couch. And second, we know each others passwords to our email accounts and he has been checking mine lately for emails from our mortgage broker and realtor. I've never had any problem with this because I don't have anything to hide from him. However, every time someone comments on my blog I get an email alert and I knew he would start to notice these and ask questions.

So I came out and told him. Actually I said, "Hubby*, how would you feel if I started a blog about my infertility stuff." He said, "As long as you don't hog the computer all night and not let me use it then it's ok." I said, "Good, because I already started one about a month ago." I assured him that I want to protect our privacy and that while I use my real first name I haven't and would never use our last name or his first name. He seemed happy about that and didn't ask any more questions or ask to see it.

It was nice to tell him because, like I said, I don't keep secrets from him and I'm not a very good secret-keeper anyway.

*Not his real name, nor what I actually call him. ;)

Waiting (Im)Patiently

Everyone knows about the scourge of Aunt Flo. When you pray she won't come, there she is cramps and all right on time. When you want her to show up so you can start again... (crickets).

That's where I am. She was due Friday and still no sign (already checked - not pregnant). The NP gave me a Rx for Provera but I can't remember if she said to take it if no AF after CD35 or CD40. I'd really like to see it come on it's own; last time I induced w/Provera I had no dominant follicles and got AF again on CD15. Stupid.

In other news, San Fran was great. We had great weather on Sat and Sun and walked our little butts off seeing everything in the vicinity of Fisherman's Wharf. Monday was cold and way too windy but we took the train to Berkley to see a friend of mine for lunch. By the time we got back to the hotel it was almost time to head to the airport and it didn't pay to walk around in the awful wind.

Nothing else new. Just waiting. As usual...

Going on a Cancelled Business Trip

So a while back my boss asked me to take a professional development course. I signed up and the company paid the fee. The course was going to be on a Tuesday and Wednesday in San Francisco, which I have never visited. I asked my mom to come with me because last time I did this I was bored and lonely being at a hotel that was not near anything in a city I didn't know. We decided to make a weekend trip and leave tomorrow and we would pay for a hotel Sat and Sun night and my company would pay Mon and Tues night. My company would also pay my airfare and mom would pay hers. I booked a hotel for the first few days and prepaid to get a good deal. We also bought our airfare and I planned to get reimbursed.

Then 13 days before the class was to be held, they CANCELLED it! I am super pissed about this and let them know it. Their website says to refrain from booking travel until 4 weeks before due to possible cancellations. I never thought they would cancel 13 days before! AARRGH!

Mom and I are going for the weekend since everything was already paid for (and now won't be reimbursed). But I also had to buy new one way tickets home because we didn't want to pay hotel for two more nights and I didn't want to have to take vacation days. Stupid cancellers! I know we will have fun but I wouldn't have spent this money if not for the class!

Anywho, this will be my last post of ICLW. It has been great getting comments and I hope at least a few of you will continue to drop in. I have found lots of blogs I like, too. I didn't officially "follow" all of them because I found the updates pouring in to my dashboard to be a bit overwhelming! I'm new at this, after all! But I definitely have a bunch bookmarked and will be keeping up with them. Have a great weekend everyone!

P.S. Anyone have any must-sees or must-eats near Fisherman's Wharf?

Introducing...

...my puppies!

First up is Sophie (aka "Little Guy"). We got her as a puppy from a breeder and she is now 5 years old. She runs the show and thinks she is a princess. When we lived in snow country she would give me Looks every time I sent her out to potty in the snow. In her opinion, she required a warming house and toilet paper, I guess. She would also hop around in the snow in an effort to keep as few paws as possible on the ground at one time. She is somewhat cat-like in that she will be around you if she feels like it but she is just as likely to be found curled up on my pillow on the bed all alone. She is kind of a midget, even for her breed. Boston Terriers are usually at least 15-16 lbs but she comes in at about 12. As a puppy, Sophie needed surgery on both of her knees (likely due to genetic problems). Her little nostrils are also really small so she has a little breathing trouble now and then. But we loved everything else about the breed and wanted another so we decided to adopt. We figured that way if there were any health problems they would be known to us up front. Also, there was a good chance we wouldn't have to deal with house training and other puppy stuff.

That is how we got Lucy (aka "Big Guy") - from a BT rescue organization here in Arizona. She came to us as a timid and super skinny girl. After only a few days she came out of her shell and has gotten better each day (and gained a much-needed 4 pounds). Although, sadly, you can still tell she has trust issues deeply ingrained in her. She might be 3 or 4 years old (not sure) but we have had her now for about a year and a half. She provides the comic relief around here as she is a complete goof and, God love her, not too bright. But she's awesome and I often ask her how it is possible that someone didn't want her. Their loss, our gain! Lucy adores Sophie and after a year of trying is finally able to lay down right next to (or on top of) her without Sophie leaving. They wrestle and play tug of war when Sophie says it's ok.

These are my babies and like any good pet parent I love them with my whole heart! :)

The 90's are here!

The 90's are here! The 90's are here!

The other day I heard on the news that we had hit our 109th day in a row of temps above 100 here in Phoenix. Ugh.

People often ask me if there's any truth to the "dry heat" myth. My answer is yes and no. Anything above 100, especially 110 is just plain too friggin' hot. No two ways about it. Humidity has nothing to do with it at that point when your skin feels like it's burning and you're in the shade. But even so, the time when the 110's strike is the same time we have a lot more humidity due to monsoon season. (A lot more in desert terms, not a lot more to someone in the Southeast.)

But today, it's 92 and absolutely fabulous to me. Back home in the Midwest 92 would be accompanied by a lot of humidity and I would hate it. Right now, I'm loving it. Unfortuantely, it will be back in the 100s this weekend.

But at least October is right around the corner and then we can count on "cooler" temps. I can't wait to take my bike back out, and go to the zoo to stroll around, and eat outside, and wear long sleeves... yay!

A Sea of 1,000 Greens

I am literally lost in a sea of 1,000 greens. Green paint color samples, that is. I decided that I want to paint the master bedroom in our new house green. It has been so long since I have been able to have non-white walls that I want to go all out. I think I want to get a neutral comforter so it would match almost any color, in case we get sick of whatever I pick!

There is a perfect green color in my head that I would like to use. Apparently, this color does not exist in real life. I have looked at so many green colors that I am just more confused. Most greens are too blue and some are too yellow. I don't want hunter green, anything sage-y, or too yellowy. I can only explain it as true green, only several shades lighter. Maybe it is like lime green but less yellow? I got the inspiration from a house we visited while we were hunting but maybe I am remembering it incorrectly. You'd think this would be easy because I don't have to match the color to any other fabric/thing.

Adding to my difficulties is the fact that hubby is wary of color. When we were first married it was a stretch to get him to let me paint a neutral tan because it was a few shades darker than he was comfortable with. In fact, my mom and I tricked him by getting him to agree to a color on a card and then actually using the next darker color. When it went up on the walls he said, "This is darker than I thought it would be." My mom and I exchanged glances and then never spoke of it again! He would not be impressed if he knew. He has come a long way in that department, evidenced by the fact that he is even entertaining my green vision.

I wanted to post some sample pics I made at the Behr website but they are smart and don't allow me to steal their pictures. Here's a pic I found of the bathroom at the inspiration house:


Green has never been my favorite color (not that I don't like it, obviously). I don't know where this desire for a green bedroom came from. Am I crazy to want to paint my bedroom this color and have to stare at it day in and day out?

I Wanna Be a Komodo Dragon

We are members of the Phoenix Zoo and go all the time when it's nice out (October to April-ish). We just got our member newsletter/magazine thingy today. There was a story about the komodo dragon exhibit that is set to open soon. Apparently the female komodo dragon they will be getting is already famous and something of a scientific wonder. Bitch got pregnant all by herself! No male needed. Well, not pregnant per se but she laid two eggs that were never fertilized, yet hatched. This is not unprecedented in the komodo dragon world I guess, but it's rare and impressive nonetheless.

How easy it is in the animal world. I asked hubby, "Wouldn't that be nice if I could just get pregnant on my own because I wanted to?" To which he answered, "Yeah, I'd like a little Jill clone!" Awww. :) Alas, it will not be so easy for me...

On an unrelated note, I am loving ICLW! I am actually getting comments and finding lots of new blogs I like! Fun times! I'm not sure if I'm cheating though. I replied to a lot of comments from my blog but I think I was only supposed to do one, or at least only count one. Oh well, I'll try to branch out tomorrow and do six totally new ones.

My first ICLW!

Welcome, ICLWers! At least, I hope someone stops by this week! My blog is very new and I think I have about one reader so far. I pretty much feel like I am talking to myself right now! But that's ok, like I said, I'm the new kid. I hope a few people stop by and maybe even check in from time to time.

My story is below if you just scroll to the first post. In a nutshell, I have polycystic ovaries and anovulation. I had a miscarriage in March and haven't been able to ovulate since. We're still trying to get things going with Clomid. I fear more serious measures will be needed, but we'll see. Hubby and I just bought a house and I am looking forward to that taking my mind off of conceiving for at least a while.

Hubby and I grew up in the Midwest but now live in Arizona - quite a difference. We have two adorable Boston Terriers that provide the comic relief around here. Hubby is an elementary school teacher and I am a scientist. Being a scientist is bad because it means I am constantly thinking of things in terms of data, experiments, and cause and effect. Infertility is no exception. Basically, I overanalyze everything and drive myself crazy!

Well, introduce yourself and I hope to see you again soon!

IF Treatment Update

I think I posted earlier about how my periods have been all wonky lately. I've been trying to use 50 mg of Clomid again following my m/c since June. But I'll start taking it and then get my period again at some random point in the middle of my cycle, or my period will stop for a few days and then start again and consequently overlap with my supposed ovulation time, or it just doesn't work at all. My OB and I had discussed the possibility of going on b/c for 3 months to get everything sorted out before resuming Clomid, and that is what I assumed I would hear again yesterday. Well, my OB is out right now (on maternity leave, what a bitch) so I saw someone I have had before on follicle check days. She said my last CD21 progesterone check showed I didn't ovulate (no kidding, I had my period that day) so she wants me to go up to 100 mg of Clomid. I had mixed feelings. On one hand, who wants to postpone things another 3 months? On the other hand, my period and hormones seem so out of whack that I question the ability of Clomid alone to straighten them out. Plus, it's so frustrating that the 50 mg worked so well once upon a time on the first try when I got pregnant. Stupid ovaries.

Also, she didn't want me to come in for an u/s this next cycle. She figured why waste the money until we do another CD21 check and know whether this dose will be enough. Mixed feelings again. Save money = great. Ovaries freaking out and pumping out 7 eggs and, because we didn't check, Jill becomes septomom = BAD. She reassured me that anything beyond twins is Extremely Unlikely. She doesn't know my luck. I'm gonna get pregnant with triplets for sure.

On an unrelated note, our home inspection went great and we asked for a few minor things to be fixed. Things are moving along and I have been doing much more decorating web browsing than IF browsing. Probably a good thing.

We got one!

We did it. We bought a house. Barring an inspection disaster or a loan snafu, neither of which I am expecting, it will be ours in November! I can't wait. I have been decorating it in my mind all week. We had a little trouble getting the deal done, which was ridiculous. We made an initial (sorta lowball) offer and they countered. We were happy with their counter but we wanted closing costs so we went back and added $5000 to their counter and asked for the 5k in closing costs. They said fine but stipulated it could only go to closing and not prepaids (escrow account including taxes, insurance, etc). Really homeowners?! You obviously don't understand how this works. That 5k will be included in our loan and is therefore OURS. We'll be damned if you are going to specify how it is used. My husband was livid. It was going to add 2k to what we would need to bring to closing, which we have and truthfully were expecting to spend, but it is the principle! Plus, if something happens to one of our jobs that is an extra mortgage payment. Do you want to sell your house or not?! Our realtor had to call theirs twice and threatened that we would walk on the second call and that did the trick! We feel like we won! Their house had been on the market for 120 days and they wanted to fight about something that has absolutely no effect on them. Silly!

There is one problem with the house. It is only a problem due to our status. Childless and IF. Sigh. Here it is:
I am a little worried about its potential effect on my emotions as this TTC journey drags on. It sucks that something like this has to have a negative effect. To a normal couple TTCing, this would be a huge selling point. I guess I know I will have a child one day, one way or another, so I should look at it as a picture of my future. :) Plus, hubby watches SpongeBob so it probably isn't a stretch to find him on it!

Otherwise, we LOVE the house. It really will be a good distraction. We probably won't move until December to give us time to paint, clean, decorate, etc. Our rental goes until the end of January anyway. New adventure, here we come!

Oooh! A Distraction!

We are house shopping! Looking at houses, whether I am planning to buy or not, is something I love to do. Hubby too. And we have recently decided that we should take the plunge and actually buy our own. We owned a home early in our marriage, while I was in graduate school. Four years into grad school my research advisor decided to move from our school in Iowa to one in Arizona. I could either move with and finish in two years or less, as planned, or stay in Iowa and essentially start over. We moved with. We have been renting ever since. We rented an apartment for a year while I finished school, rented a house while I did a one-year postdoctoral fellowship, rented an apartment when we moved to take my current job (as a temp position), and are now renting a house since the job became "permanent" (i.e., not through the temp agency).

While the places we have rented have been nice, I am sick of living with boring white walls, sick of having some of our stuff still packed up with no room for it, and sick of bowing to the whims of our landlords. Our current lease has some ridiculous clauses. In short, I am sick of renting! So we thought we could take advantage of the tax credit and the current low prices. I'm so excited!

As we shop for a house there are, of course, the nagging feelings that pop up around the exciting events in every IF woman's life. Do we really need four bedrooms? Will I even be able to have any babies, let alone two? Will school districts matter to us any time in the next decade? Should we just buy some condo and pretend to be chic, childless people who could care less about playgrounds and open enrollment? No, we will focus on the fact that this is a Big Event, regardless of whether children will join us in our new home, and be excited! Not to mention this will really take my mind off of all of the fertility failures I have experienced this year. So much to do!

We've only just begun

So here we are, staring down an uncertain future of infertility struggles. I can't claim I didn't see this coming, but I'm not sure that makes it any easier. At 19 I was diagnosed with PCOS. At the time I knew I would probably one day be in this position, but at 19 it was pretty easy to put to the back of my mind.

I finished college, got married, then went to graduate school. Grad school gave me another five years' worth of excuses for not trying to start our family. I wasn't worried; we married young and I thought it best, in our years of limited income, to wait. By the time I was 27 I got a few raised eyebrows from a doctor that knew I had PCOS but was not yet ttc. I knew her look was saying what some family and friends already had: "You aren't getting any younger, honey".

Fast forward to today. We ttc'd with Clomid for just one cycle about 2 years ago but employment uncertainties and a terrible OB put an end to further attempts. We have been not NOT trying since. But I don't believe that I ovulate at all without help, so those tries were probably all futile. I started again in earnest in January of this year. On my first try with Clomid we had success. I had steeled myself against disappointment so I could scarcely believe I was pregnant so soon. Unfortunately, just after I had accepted it and celebrated, I lost the pregnancy at about 6 weeks. We were devastated of course, but quickly became hopeful. If we could do it once, we could do it again, right? Right?

Since the m/c in March, it has been a big fat nothing. Two months of recovery and two months of failed Clomid cycles due to crazy periods. I finally thought I would be back on track this month after my OB gave me Provera to jump start a "normal period". Latest u/s showed not even a dominant follicle. Sigh. Then I got my period again on CD15. The saga continues...

I'll be blogging to vent my thoughts, to reach out to others in similar situations, and to feel less alone in this journey. I know there are many of you out there in similar and even more complicated situations. I'll update when something exciting happens, but I'll probably write about the mundane too. I'm probably going to have to go on a hiatus with birth control pills for 3 months but *maybe* it will turn things around. If not, I guess it's on to the world of specialists. I just can't wait to find out what else is wrong with me (or hubby), beyond the obvious.