From Disbelief to Sort-Of Belief

It is amazing how with all evidence to the contrary I can still have a voice in my head telling me that I am probably not pregnant. I had a positive HPT, two positive blood tests with numbers going the way they should. I go number 1 all the time, I can't go number 2, I feel like I could barf at any minute, I am exhausted but can't sleep (these are not complaints, simply observations). Yet a voice in my head says maybe I am just sick. I can't really be pregnant. This can't be real. I know this is normal but it feels weird. I have been so nervous and so reluctant to let myself be happy and enjoy.

But today we have the indisputable proof that there is a baby in there and, as far as anybody would be able to tell, all is well. I had my first ultrasound today. I was so nervous and I was sure she was going to tell me the same thing as last time - that they couldn't see anything, there was no baby, no sac, no nothing. Talk about doubting yourself, being told that really makes you think you're crazy. And if you ever want to see an ultrasound tech clear out of the room in a hurry...

But I digress. Today was different. First she looked at my cervix while hubby and I (we later conferred) were both silently screaming, "Get to the important part!!!!". It looked nice and closed. Then she found the baby and said, "There it is and there is the heartbeat." I started sobbing tears of relief. I apologized and told her last time had been bad news and she shook her head to indicate she understood. She did have to tell me to "try to make my belly soft" at one point while I was trying to hold back the stream of tears. The heart rate was 154 bpm and the baby measured at 7w3d, exactly what I thought based on all the data regarding ovulation. Based on my LMP they would expect 8w2d but I told her right away it wouldn't measure at that and she confirmed that I was right.

The rest of the appointment went fine and I had a pap and full exam and the works. One of the NPs saw me (the one I really like - not the one who told me to expect implantation bleeding during week 6) and she answered all my questions and asked me a million more. I can't believe they expect you to know your birth plan, whether you would circumcise a boy, etc. at this point. Lady, I am still trying to convince myself that I am actually pregnant.

I think I have the pregnant part believed but bringing home a baby in 7.5 months, that remains to be seen. It is nice to hear that once a heartbeat is seen that the chance of miscarriage goes way down but I know all too well, perhaps from reading too many IF blogs, that the small chance of heartbreak is very real.

For now, all I can do is try to relax and try to steal at least a few sublimely happy moments.

Oh, and my due date is July 16.