First and foremost, I want to thank all of you who have commented on my last two posts. From the bottom of my heart, truly thank you. I cried reading every comment. It meant so much to read your words of support, especially when I was struggling.
And now onto something better, our birth story!!
It all started with a meltdown. I'd like to say it was a mini-meltdown but that would be a lie. It was an all out crying, sobbing, irrational pity party. I had Monday off for the holiday and all day I was dreading going back to work. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I was uncomfortable and exhausted. I figured I had at least two weeks left of work, or maybe three if I went past my due date. It seemed daunting.
Anyway, I like to have everything ready for work and try to be in bed before 10:30pm. All of a sudden it was well past 10. I went upstairs to get clothes ready. I couldn't find anything that fit. All my button down shirts were stretched to the max. Everything else was too short and stuck out funny and you could see the panel of my maternity pants. The only things that still fit had just been worn the previous week. I got so frustrated and just gave up and figured I would address it in the morning.
Then I went downstairs to get my lunch ready. I stood in front of the fridge looking at the leftovers. I was going to need to repack things into single servings. I didn't want the food we had. I didn't want to even bother with it. I didn't want to have to go out for lunch the next day if I didn't pack anything. I looked at the clock and it was 10:45pm. I said, "How did it get so late so fast?!" Apparently hubby thought this was funny and laughed. Oh, that was it! I yelled, "Don't laugh at me! It's not funny!" and started bawling.
I went to the couch, which had been my bed for several weeks, and just cried. Hubby felt so bad. I sat there and tried to compose myself but I just couldn't stop crying. I probably cried on and off for almost an hour! Hubby told me I could stop working any time I wanted but I really didn't want to give up any pay. It worried me.
Finally I decided to try to get to sleep and hubby said he would sleep on the love seat for awhile. He fell asleep right away. At midnight I felt something like a contraction. Then I felt another one. At 12:16am I felt another one and thought that something might be up. I timed the next one and it came 8 minutes later. Then another one 8 minutes later. I woke up hubby and called to alert my mom. I told them I couldn't promise it was really it but I thought it could be. I told hubby we should go upstairs and finish packing my hospital bag with the last minute stuff.
The contractions continued to come every 8 minutes. I decided to take a shower and hubby could hear me breathing through contractions and said that they were now every 4 minutes. After my shower they continued every 4 minutes. I called my mom to tell her that we planned to leave for the hospital in about a half hour, once I had been having the 4-minutes for an hour, as instructed. She urged me to go right away. I told her I would finish getting ready and we would leave.
We soon left for the hospital and by the time we got there (less than 10 minute drive) the contractions were probably 3 minutes apart. The registration lady was surprised my contractions were so close together! We checked in and were taken to triage at 3:30 am. At this point I was still totally handling the contractions fine. I would breathe through them just fine. I was checked and was at 3 cm. The triage nurse told me I had to walk for an hour and show progress or else they would send me home. I knew there was no way they were sending me home at this point but I grudgingly went along with her little plan. She spent extra time monitoring me because she was having trouble keeping baby's heartbeat on the monitor so she told me I could go walk for just half an hour. My mom arrived and saw me in the hall but she had to wait until we were assigned a room.
The walking was torture. The contractions were getting BAD. I was now moaning through them and leaning on hubby and my lower back was killing me! It was fine when it was just cramping in the front but add in the extreme back pain and I wasn't handling it so well anymore. We returned to triage at least 5 minutes early, at about 4:30 am, and I told her I was ready to be checked. I was at 4.5 cm so she got me to a room. She obviously noticed how much worse I was doing and I was yelling about how bad my back hurt so as we walked through the door to my L&D room she asked if I was ready for an epidural. I said yes without really thinking about it. Then I hesitated for a moment because it was still so early. I had wanted to at least wait until I was dilated further but at the same time I didn't really care. I just wanted the back pain to stop.
My mom came in and the three of us waited for the epidural to come. My mom was trying to get me to breathe and relax during the contractions but I couldn't. I kept saying, "I can't I can't my back hurts too much!" Lying on my back I was in a terrible position for dealing with the contractions but they were prepping me for the epidural. My mom left at some point for some reason and after writhing and bitching through another contraction one of the nurses looked at me and said, "Ok, that one's done now" in a not very nice voice. I didn't like her.
Finally the epidural man arrived. I had two contractions while he got it going. It was extremely difficult to sit still and breathe through them but actually sitting up and bending over a pillow helped compared to lying in the bed. After it was in place he saw that I was really struggling through another two contractions so he told the nurse he was going to crank it up. God bless his soul.
After that my left leg went completely numb. They had me leaning that way so I wasn't flat on my back. I could still feel the contractions quite sharply in my lower right abdomen but as long as my back was ok I didn't care! But since I could still feel it the nurses propped me the other way and soon I felt nothing. Sweet, sweet nothing. Ahhh. I then could sleep, or at least doze. I was scared since I knew I hadn't slept in almost 24 hours. That was another reason I didn't feel bad about the epidural. I knew it could be trouble if I fought through labor for hours and then had to push.
I was a little scared the epidural would stall out labor. And then my mom kept saying how much lower the intensity of the contractions were since the epidural. She had me freaked out. Shortly after the epidural they checked me again and I was at 6.5 cm. I had a new nurse at this point and she said that they needed to see good progress or they would start pitocin because of the epidural. I obviously wanted to avoid that.
An hour later she came back to check again, probably about 8am. Her eyes got really big and she said, "Well your cervix is gone and that's a head!" I was stunned! I guess I didn't stall out! It was time to start pushing but I couldn't feel my left leg or butt at all! I told her I didn't know how I would push but we tried anyway. She said it really just wasn't effective since I had no idea what I was supposed to do. She said, "Well, we could keep doing this and it will probably take two or three hours..." and I said, "Or...??". She said we could wait about an hour and see if baby would work her way down a little farther and maybe my epidural would wear off a little. Apparently the anesthesiologist had really cranked it because I never pushed the boost button!
Anyway, she sat me straight up with my legs pulled in towards my body and I sat for about an hour. Over the hour I started feeling the pressure of baby's head down there. Then I could move my left foot again. Then finally I could identify when I was having contractions. She came back and I told her all the developments and she was happy. She said we would start pushing but we had to make it count because she could tell baby was starting to get stressed. Her heart rate was dropping with each contraction but rebounding fine and it wasn't concerning just yet.
So at about 9am I started pushing. After a while she said I was really getting it. It was so hard to know what to do! But once she kept saying I was doing good then I would try to just keep it up. And once hubby started really seeing the head and saying "WOW!" as I was pushing it was really encouraging. I tried not to push with my face or neck, which was really hurting, but it was so hard when I couldn't feel much down under. Finally I got my neck out of the equation but that was as good as I could do. Soon they called my doctor in and a bunch more nurses showed up, including the team for the baby. Oh, I forgot to mention that they had asked me if they could bring students in so both my nurse and the baby's nurse had a student with them. My nurse's student was a male and I didn't care but at that point it felt like a lot of people in the room!
I had no idea how close I was because it was only a couple more pushes and she came shooting out! All in all it was so easy and I never felt a thing! No pain whatsoever associated with the pushing or her coming out. Epidurals are amazing I am telling you! She was born at 10:28 am.
But this is when things went bad. They had told me what to expect when she was born. Hubby would cut the cord and then they would hand her to me so I could see her. Then they would take her, clean her up, and assess her vitals. Then hubby would take her and bring her to me to nurse and commence with the bonding! Unfortunately, that is not at all how it went.
Right away I could tell something was wrong. She wasn't crying and my doctor quick clamped and cut her cord and handed her to the nurse. I could see that they were shoving a tube down her nose. The doctor told me she wasn't breathing but they would get it taken care of. I tried to remain calm and no one was rushing in and they weren't rushing her out so I figured it was ok so far. Soon she was crying but it was muffled by the oxygen mask they had on her. I felt relieved when I heard her cry but then the nurse just kept working on her. I heard her say that she needed more crying, needed more movement. Apparently she had come out completely limp too. The longer they took the more I panicked. Nobody was telling me anything. I kept asking what was wrong and they just kept telling me she was fine. I knew she wasn't fine because she wasn't in my arms yet. Then my tears of joy turned to tears of panic and my mom could tell I was freaking out. So then my mom almost fainted and they called for help for her! She recovered quickly though and they cancelled the call. Yikes!
I really just wish they would have been more honest with me about what was going on. They didn't do me any favors by brushing it off. It turns out that she had aspirated a lot of fluid. They had to get the fluid out and get her breathing better and moving her arms and legs. My mom later asked the doctor if everything really was ok and she said yes, everything was fine and this wasn't all that uncommon. Again, I just wished they would have been more forthcoming and I wouldn't have freaked out so much. Hubby said he knew everything was fine because he was right over there. Thanks for telling me!
So finally hubby was able to bring me my bundle. Then the biggest problem was that I was trying not to sob and snot all over my baby! Oh, the tears of joy and relief. And she was so little! Just 6 lbs 7 oz but 20 inches long. I had a small amount of tearing (thank you small baby!) and the placenta came out fine.
Other than the scare, our baby girl is perfect. The rest of the time at the hospital every new nurse said she heard we had a rough start. Apparently I was the most exciting thing that happened that night! It's a small hospital!
Baby Girl knew mama did not want to go back to work! What a good girl for saving me! Now I don't have to go back until September 1st.
She has been everything I ever dreamed and more. I recently told hubby that I have everything I have ever wanted. I am truly blessed.
Thanks for following along with me. All I ever wish and pray for all of you is for your own baby dreams to come true.
P.S. I promised pics and her name to those who provided their email addresses. I will get to it, I promise! And send me more if you still want to get in on that!
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Update and Decision
On Monday we returned to the pediatrician's office. We undressed Baby Girl and I carried her to the scale and was so nervous to see what it would say. Since Friday's nearly one pound loss, she had regained a full half pound and was back up over 6 pounds! Phew, I was so relieved. I guess it wasn't surprising given what a little piggy she had turned into once she started getting formula! Everything else checked out just fine too.
I, on the other hand, was not faring as well. I had spent the whole weekend pumping my poor boobs off and wasn't getting any improvement. I was becoming more and more exhausted and feeling more and more sick. And I wasn't even doing the one thing I wanted to do which was just relax with my baby and enjoy how awesome she is. I was so frustrated by Sunday night that I started skipping my pumping times. I would sit there knowing it was time and just say to hubby, almost in tears, "I just don't want to do it anymore." It felt so pointless.
After assessing Baby Girl the NP we were seeing asked about the pumping. I told her the results and I told her that I have PCOS. She said that could definitely be the problem. I told her I had read up on it in the LLL article and a few other places and that my prognosis seemed bleak. She asked if I had had trouble getting pregnant. I told her I had and that it had been over a year and that I felt so tired of fighting against my body. She nodded, seeming to understand. She said that she would talk to the LC since my appt wasn't until Thursday and call me back later but that she thought it may not make sense to continue.
I had been thinking more and more about it over the weekend and was thinking that I probably wouldn't continue, but that I wanted to see what they would say. The things that stood out to me in the article that were influencing my decision were these, taken directly from the article:
"but it does seem clear that, for some of the women—especially those with early onset of the syndrome—there may not be enough glandular tissue to produce adequate milk"
"The traditional approach of more frequent feedings or pumping with an electric pump often does not make a significant difference, though it's always worth trying."
"The addition of prescriptive (metoclopramide or domperidone) or herbal galactogogues has brought varying results that only rarely approach a full supply."
and from another article cited in the LLL article:
"Generally, the later the onset of PCOS, the better odds a woman has of being able to establish a milk supply."
When I got a phone call back from the NP she said that the LC had said, "Oh no, we're not giving up yet." She wanted me to go get fenugreek, an herbal supplement, and take it three times a day. Then I would continue the feeding regimen and go for two or three weeks to see if I could get a supply.
Two or three weeks?! I just sat there having such conflicting thoughts. I couldn't put myself through this for two or three more weeks. My back was aching from the pumping, I was nauseous by about 6 pm every night, and I was getting downright depressed. I knew what I needed to do, for both of us, but I couldn't say it out loud. I was telling my mom all of the things I was reading. I was telling her all the things I was feeling. Finally when I quietly said that I wasn't going to take the herb my mom told me she thought I was making the right decision. And then I cried some more and then I tried to start to put it behind me.
It came down to a few things. I only have 7 weeks left at home with Baby Girl. I want those weeks to be happy and not frustrating and I want to be able to spend time with her and bond with her instead of bonding with the damn pump. If I thought I had a good chance of success, especially a good chance for a full supply, things would be different. I kept asking myself if it was worth it to fight so hard just to be able to give her a little milk and still have to supplement most of it. If I were going to be a SAHM and had lots of time that would have also been different.
I made the decision and it was difficult. But as soon as I made it I felt a weight lifted and I felt so much better. I can now feed her, as can anyone, and I can sleep and only be tied to her schedule and not a pumping schedule. I don't mind waking up for her but waking up to pump was no fun.
I still struggle with the decision. Thoughts keep popping in like that I should have tried, even for just a few more days. Or what if it was just that I was too tired or stressed and if I had focused on feeling better the milk would come pouring out. But I made my decision and I still feel it is right.
My boobs hurt like hell but I feel much better otherwise! And my mom stayed over so hubby and I got almost 7 hours of sleep last night. Not in a row but it still felt great.
And Baby Girl is healthy and happy and guzzling her formula and growing. And that is all that really matters.
I, on the other hand, was not faring as well. I had spent the whole weekend pumping my poor boobs off and wasn't getting any improvement. I was becoming more and more exhausted and feeling more and more sick. And I wasn't even doing the one thing I wanted to do which was just relax with my baby and enjoy how awesome she is. I was so frustrated by Sunday night that I started skipping my pumping times. I would sit there knowing it was time and just say to hubby, almost in tears, "I just don't want to do it anymore." It felt so pointless.
After assessing Baby Girl the NP we were seeing asked about the pumping. I told her the results and I told her that I have PCOS. She said that could definitely be the problem. I told her I had read up on it in the LLL article and a few other places and that my prognosis seemed bleak. She asked if I had had trouble getting pregnant. I told her I had and that it had been over a year and that I felt so tired of fighting against my body. She nodded, seeming to understand. She said that she would talk to the LC since my appt wasn't until Thursday and call me back later but that she thought it may not make sense to continue.
I had been thinking more and more about it over the weekend and was thinking that I probably wouldn't continue, but that I wanted to see what they would say. The things that stood out to me in the article that were influencing my decision were these, taken directly from the article:
"but it does seem clear that, for some of the women—especially those with early onset of the syndrome—there may not be enough glandular tissue to produce adequate milk"
"The traditional approach of more frequent feedings or pumping with an electric pump often does not make a significant difference, though it's always worth trying."
"The addition of prescriptive (metoclopramide or domperidone) or herbal galactogogues has brought varying results that only rarely approach a full supply."
and from another article cited in the LLL article:
"Generally, the later the onset of PCOS, the better odds a woman has of being able to establish a milk supply."
When I got a phone call back from the NP she said that the LC had said, "Oh no, we're not giving up yet." She wanted me to go get fenugreek, an herbal supplement, and take it three times a day. Then I would continue the feeding regimen and go for two or three weeks to see if I could get a supply.
Two or three weeks?! I just sat there having such conflicting thoughts. I couldn't put myself through this for two or three more weeks. My back was aching from the pumping, I was nauseous by about 6 pm every night, and I was getting downright depressed. I knew what I needed to do, for both of us, but I couldn't say it out loud. I was telling my mom all of the things I was reading. I was telling her all the things I was feeling. Finally when I quietly said that I wasn't going to take the herb my mom told me she thought I was making the right decision. And then I cried some more and then I tried to start to put it behind me.
It came down to a few things. I only have 7 weeks left at home with Baby Girl. I want those weeks to be happy and not frustrating and I want to be able to spend time with her and bond with her instead of bonding with the damn pump. If I thought I had a good chance of success, especially a good chance for a full supply, things would be different. I kept asking myself if it was worth it to fight so hard just to be able to give her a little milk and still have to supplement most of it. If I were going to be a SAHM and had lots of time that would have also been different.
I made the decision and it was difficult. But as soon as I made it I felt a weight lifted and I felt so much better. I can now feed her, as can anyone, and I can sleep and only be tied to her schedule and not a pumping schedule. I don't mind waking up for her but waking up to pump was no fun.
I still struggle with the decision. Thoughts keep popping in like that I should have tried, even for just a few more days. Or what if it was just that I was too tired or stressed and if I had focused on feeling better the milk would come pouring out. But I made my decision and I still feel it is right.
My boobs hurt like hell but I feel much better otherwise! And my mom stayed over so hubby and I got almost 7 hours of sleep last night. Not in a row but it still felt great.
And Baby Girl is healthy and happy and guzzling her formula and growing. And that is all that really matters.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Motherhood Fail #1
I know this is but the first of many times I will feel like I am failing my baby.
We had a rough day Friday after our trip to the pediatrician for our checkup. Baby girl was born at 6 pounds 7 ounces (a peanut, I know). Friday, at three days old, she weighed in at 5 pounds 9 ounces. I felt so bad. I thought she was nursing so well. She is a great latcher but apparently a very ineffective sucker. We thought she was so content and doing well because she would nurse well and sleep great. The doctor said she was probably getting weak and that was complicating her feeding and it was a bad cycle. They thought maybe it would be ok because my milk was just coming in so they had me feed her (which was when they saw that she doesn't suck properly) and then reweighed her and her weight didn't change at all.
Our pediatrician's office is great in terms of lactation support. The doctor herself is a certified LC (fairly newly though) and they have a LC on staff that you can see who has been doing it for over 30 years. So they know their stuff. They told us to start a three-hour cycle. I am to try to nurse her for up to 20 minutes. Then hubby or anyone besides me is to feed her 2 ounces of formula from a bottle while I pump for 15 minutes. They were hoping we can get her weight and strength up and my supply going which will make it easier for her to nurse.
I cried all the way home. I saw my plans of breastfeeding flying out the window. It all felt so overwhelming. And I felt terrible for being responsible for her weight loss.
Hubby and I headed off to a store to rent a pump and accessories. It was, strangely enough, run by a man who somehow really seems to know what he is talking about. He looked at me weirdly when I explained why I was there and what the doctor had said. Then he said, "No offense but pediatricians don't know what they're talking about with breastfeeding." I told him that she was a certified LC yadda yadda and he said "Oh! Must be Dr. So-and-so. She's great. Ok, now I believe it." I have heard that so many times about this doctor which makes me feel really good.
The feeding cycle plan has been rough. I thought maybe if I could get my supply going it would all work out. But I have been pumping every two to three hours since Friday and I can barely get a total of 0.4 ounces each time. I should be getting at least an ounce and even that would be low. And poor baby can still latch but I can tell she is getting frustrated with the nursing since she is probably getting nothing. I wish we didn't have to deal with all this. I thought things were going so well the first two days.
I have been reading up on PCOS affecting milk supply. Apparently it is a more serious problem than I thought. I had heard of it before but thought that since I am not a "typical" PCOS patient that it wouldn't apply to me. Interestingly enough, my blaming PCOS for my small breasts all this time has probably been accurate and it is now affecting my ability to make milk. La Leche League had a very informative article about PCOS and low milk supply. At the end of the article there was a paragraph about how LLL leaders can support women who are going through this and I just cried reading it because they were describing everything I feel so accurately. I feel doubly punished by PCOS for needing help to get pregnant and now possibly not being able to breastfeed. I feel grief over losing something I wanted to do. I was so happy when I thought it was going well. I would look down at her while she fed and just feel so happy thinking I was doing something good for her and that I was bonding with her. It felt amazing to feed her and now that may be gone. I, of course, feel guilty knowing I can't give her "what's best". And if I can't, I didn't even have a choice in the matter.
I know that formula will not hurt her. I know that I am not a bad mother. I'm just pissed. It's just another way my body has failed me in allowing me to experience the "normal" and amazing things that a woman's body should be capable of.
There have been a lot of tears the past few days.
On the bright side, we have a beautiful daughter that I could not love more. She is so precious and adorable and I just stare at her and want to do the very best for her. Hubby and I did a damn fine job if I do say so myself.
I will get to posting her birth story soon. I don't want it to fade from my memory.
We had a rough day Friday after our trip to the pediatrician for our checkup. Baby girl was born at 6 pounds 7 ounces (a peanut, I know). Friday, at three days old, she weighed in at 5 pounds 9 ounces. I felt so bad. I thought she was nursing so well. She is a great latcher but apparently a very ineffective sucker. We thought she was so content and doing well because she would nurse well and sleep great. The doctor said she was probably getting weak and that was complicating her feeding and it was a bad cycle. They thought maybe it would be ok because my milk was just coming in so they had me feed her (which was when they saw that she doesn't suck properly) and then reweighed her and her weight didn't change at all.
Our pediatrician's office is great in terms of lactation support. The doctor herself is a certified LC (fairly newly though) and they have a LC on staff that you can see who has been doing it for over 30 years. So they know their stuff. They told us to start a three-hour cycle. I am to try to nurse her for up to 20 minutes. Then hubby or anyone besides me is to feed her 2 ounces of formula from a bottle while I pump for 15 minutes. They were hoping we can get her weight and strength up and my supply going which will make it easier for her to nurse.
I cried all the way home. I saw my plans of breastfeeding flying out the window. It all felt so overwhelming. And I felt terrible for being responsible for her weight loss.
Hubby and I headed off to a store to rent a pump and accessories. It was, strangely enough, run by a man who somehow really seems to know what he is talking about. He looked at me weirdly when I explained why I was there and what the doctor had said. Then he said, "No offense but pediatricians don't know what they're talking about with breastfeeding." I told him that she was a certified LC yadda yadda and he said "Oh! Must be Dr. So-and-so. She's great. Ok, now I believe it." I have heard that so many times about this doctor which makes me feel really good.
The feeding cycle plan has been rough. I thought maybe if I could get my supply going it would all work out. But I have been pumping every two to three hours since Friday and I can barely get a total of 0.4 ounces each time. I should be getting at least an ounce and even that would be low. And poor baby can still latch but I can tell she is getting frustrated with the nursing since she is probably getting nothing. I wish we didn't have to deal with all this. I thought things were going so well the first two days.
I have been reading up on PCOS affecting milk supply. Apparently it is a more serious problem than I thought. I had heard of it before but thought that since I am not a "typical" PCOS patient that it wouldn't apply to me. Interestingly enough, my blaming PCOS for my small breasts all this time has probably been accurate and it is now affecting my ability to make milk. La Leche League had a very informative article about PCOS and low milk supply. At the end of the article there was a paragraph about how LLL leaders can support women who are going through this and I just cried reading it because they were describing everything I feel so accurately. I feel doubly punished by PCOS for needing help to get pregnant and now possibly not being able to breastfeed. I feel grief over losing something I wanted to do. I was so happy when I thought it was going well. I would look down at her while she fed and just feel so happy thinking I was doing something good for her and that I was bonding with her. It felt amazing to feed her and now that may be gone. I, of course, feel guilty knowing I can't give her "what's best". And if I can't, I didn't even have a choice in the matter.
I know that formula will not hurt her. I know that I am not a bad mother. I'm just pissed. It's just another way my body has failed me in allowing me to experience the "normal" and amazing things that a woman's body should be capable of.
There have been a lot of tears the past few days.
On the bright side, we have a beautiful daughter that I could not love more. She is so precious and adorable and I just stare at her and want to do the very best for her. Hubby and I did a damn fine job if I do say so myself.
I will get to posting her birth story soon. I don't want it to fade from my memory.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Our Baby Girl
Just a quick note to let you all know...
I went into labor at about 12 AM on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Baby Girl was born at 10:23 AM on Tuesday. We are all doing wonderfully and she is perfect.
We are at home now and I will write more when hubby and I are not so exhausted.
I went into labor at about 12 AM on Monday night/Tuesday morning. Baby Girl was born at 10:23 AM on Tuesday. We are all doing wonderfully and she is perfect.
We are at home now and I will write more when hubby and I are not so exhausted.
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