I know this is but the first of many times I will feel like I am failing my baby.
We had a rough day Friday after our trip to the pediatrician for our checkup. Baby girl was born at 6 pounds 7 ounces (a peanut, I know). Friday, at three days old, she weighed in at 5 pounds 9 ounces. I felt so bad. I thought she was nursing so well. She is a great latcher but apparently a very ineffective sucker. We thought she was so content and doing well because she would nurse well and sleep great. The doctor said she was probably getting weak and that was complicating her feeding and it was a bad cycle. They thought maybe it would be ok because my milk was just coming in so they had me feed her (which was when they saw that she doesn't suck properly) and then reweighed her and her weight didn't change at all.
Our pediatrician's office is great in terms of lactation support. The doctor herself is a certified LC (fairly newly though) and they have a LC on staff that you can see who has been doing it for over 30 years. So they know their stuff. They told us to start a three-hour cycle. I am to try to nurse her for up to 20 minutes. Then hubby or anyone besides me is to feed her 2 ounces of formula from a bottle while I pump for 15 minutes. They were hoping we can get her weight and strength up and my supply going which will make it easier for her to nurse.
I cried all the way home. I saw my plans of breastfeeding flying out the window. It all felt so overwhelming. And I felt terrible for being responsible for her weight loss.
Hubby and I headed off to a store to rent a pump and accessories. It was, strangely enough, run by a man who somehow really seems to know what he is talking about. He looked at me weirdly when I explained why I was there and what the doctor had said. Then he said, "No offense but pediatricians don't know what they're talking about with breastfeeding." I told him that she was a certified LC yadda yadda and he said "Oh! Must be Dr. So-and-so. She's great. Ok, now I believe it." I have heard that so many times about this doctor which makes me feel really good.
The feeding cycle plan has been rough. I thought maybe if I could get my supply going it would all work out. But I have been pumping every two to three hours since Friday and I can barely get a total of 0.4 ounces each time. I should be getting at least an ounce and even that would be low. And poor baby can still latch but I can tell she is getting frustrated with the nursing since she is probably getting nothing. I wish we didn't have to deal with all this. I thought things were going so well the first two days.
I have been reading up on PCOS affecting milk supply. Apparently it is a more serious problem than I thought. I had heard of it before but thought that since I am not a "typical" PCOS patient that it wouldn't apply to me. Interestingly enough, my blaming PCOS for my small breasts all this time has probably been accurate and it is now affecting my ability to make milk. La Leche League had a very informative article about PCOS and low milk supply. At the end of the article there was a paragraph about how LLL leaders can support women who are going through this and I just cried reading it because they were describing everything I feel so accurately. I feel doubly punished by PCOS for needing help to get pregnant and now possibly not being able to breastfeed. I feel grief over losing something I wanted to do. I was so happy when I thought it was going well. I would look down at her while she fed and just feel so happy thinking I was doing something good for her and that I was bonding with her. It felt amazing to feed her and now that may be gone. I, of course, feel guilty knowing I can't give her "what's best". And if I can't, I didn't even have a choice in the matter.
I know that formula will not hurt her. I know that I am not a bad mother. I'm just pissed. It's just another way my body has failed me in allowing me to experience the "normal" and amazing things that a woman's body should be capable of.
There have been a lot of tears the past few days.
On the bright side, we have a beautiful daughter that I could not love more. She is so precious and adorable and I just stare at her and want to do the very best for her. Hubby and I did a damn fine job if I do say so myself.
I will get to posting her birth story soon. I don't want it to fade from my memory.
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Stories like this are common in a lot more people than just PCOS women. Don't get down on yourself! I'll be thinking of you as you get through this time; best wishes! It can't help that you are exhausted from the whole birth / bringing home a newborn thing; I think that alone would make me cry let alone adding more issues on top.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to hear the birth story!
Oh sweetie you are living my nightmare. I am SOOOO sorry and I absolutely understand how you feel like you're failing her, but you're NOT!! You are trying to do everything you can for her and that says volumes. I don't know if you took Metformin ever or if it's something you'd be comfortable trying, but maybe you could discuss it with you doctor. I saw a LC who told me I should fight to get back on it, my OB took me off during pregnancy, because they've found it helps women with PCOS and milk supply. Sorry if that was already in your research, I am going to read the article you posted ASAP, but wanted to let you know that you are so not failing your baby girl. At all. When I was reading breastfeeding books and I saw that babies could appear to be nursing well and then sleep, like you said baby girl was, I looked at my husband and I was like OMG I could think Liam is fine and really he could be hungry still. So what happened to you is certainly a fear that I have. Just know you really are doing the best that you can and that is what matters. I hope you're able to get the supply thing figured out. ((BIG OLD HUGS)) You're doing awesome Mama!!
ReplyDeleteJill -
ReplyDeleteI could have wrote that exact same post just over a year ago. The tears, anxiety, anger and frustration were all the same. A year removed I can tell you it does get better. I still think about it and it still does bother me a bit, but my son is a happy and healthy little boy who just turned one on Saturday, so I guess formula wasn't too bad. : ) Good luck and hopefully you supply issues will clear up really soon!
Jill I too worry about this when I go to breastfeed in a few months. I have PCOS as well and it has been a major concern of mine. I'm trying to mentally prepare myself with the hope of a healthy baby and then doing what I can. Just keep looking at your little peanut and know in your heart you are trying. These bodies of ours don't always cooperate. Good luck! I wish I had better advice!
ReplyDeleteBreatfeeding is difficult in and of itself. I tried for 8 weeks before throwing in the towel after a case of mastitis did my supply in. Even then, I only full time breast fed the first two weeks after my daughter was born. I just couldn't do it. It hurt so bad my toes would curl. I was even told by an LC that it was okay for me to stop because my girls looked so bad. Even pumping hurt and did clear until I quit at almost 9 weeks.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm getting at is that you shouldn't feel bad if this doesn't work out. I know how hard it is to think that this might not work out because we DO want to give our babies the best. It DOES suck when our bodies thwart us. I know how badly you want this, and that's hard. Just keep trying for a while, and supplement with formula if you have to. I did.
Hang in there sweetie.