Update and Decision

On Monday we returned to the pediatrician's office. We undressed Baby Girl and I carried her to the scale and was so nervous to see what it would say. Since Friday's nearly one pound loss, she had regained a full half pound and was back up over 6 pounds! Phew, I was so relieved. I guess it wasn't surprising given what a little piggy she had turned into once she started getting formula! Everything else checked out just fine too.

I, on the other hand, was not faring as well. I had spent the whole weekend pumping my poor boobs off and wasn't getting any improvement. I was becoming more and more exhausted and feeling more and more sick. And I wasn't even doing the one thing I wanted to do which was just relax with my baby and enjoy how awesome she is. I was so frustrated by Sunday night that I started skipping my pumping times. I would sit there knowing it was time and just say to hubby, almost in tears, "I just don't want to do it anymore." It felt so pointless.

After assessing Baby Girl the NP we were seeing asked about the pumping. I told her the results and I told her that I have PCOS. She said that could definitely be the problem. I told her I had read up on it in the LLL article and a few other places and that my prognosis seemed bleak. She asked if I had had trouble getting pregnant. I told her I had and that it had been over a year and that I felt so tired of fighting against my body. She nodded, seeming to understand. She said that she would talk to the LC since my appt wasn't until Thursday and call me back later but that she thought it may not make sense to continue.

I had been thinking more and more about it over the weekend and was thinking that I probably wouldn't continue, but that I wanted to see what they would say. The things that stood out to me in the article that were influencing my decision were these, taken directly from the article:

"but it does seem clear that, for some of the women—especially those with early onset of the syndrome—there may not be enough glandular tissue to produce adequate milk"

"The traditional approach of more frequent feedings or pumping with an electric pump often does not make a significant difference, though it's always worth trying."

"The addition of prescriptive (metoclopramide or domperidone) or herbal galactogogues has brought varying results that only rarely approach a full supply."

and from another article cited in the LLL article:

"Generally, the later the onset of PCOS, the better odds a woman has of being able to establish a milk supply."

When I got a phone call back from the NP she said that the LC had said, "Oh no, we're not giving up yet." She wanted me to go get fenugreek, an herbal supplement, and take it three times a day. Then I would continue the feeding regimen and go for two or three weeks to see if I could get a supply.

Two or three weeks?! I just sat there having such conflicting thoughts. I couldn't put myself through this for two or three more weeks. My back was aching from the pumping, I was nauseous by about 6 pm every night, and I was getting downright depressed. I knew what I needed to do, for both of us, but I couldn't say it out loud. I was telling my mom all of the things I was reading. I was telling her all the things I was feeling. Finally when I quietly said that I wasn't going to take the herb my mom told me she thought I was making the right decision. And then I cried some more and then I tried to start to put it behind me.

It came down to a few things. I only have 7 weeks left at home with Baby Girl. I want those weeks to be happy and not frustrating and I want to be able to spend time with her and bond with her instead of bonding with the damn pump. If I thought I had a good chance of success, especially a good chance for a full supply, things would be different. I kept asking myself if it was worth it to fight so hard just to be able to give her a little milk and still have to supplement most of it. If I were going to be a SAHM and had lots of time that would have also been different.

I made the decision and it was difficult. But as soon as I made it I felt a weight lifted and I felt so much better. I can now feed her, as can anyone, and I can sleep and only be tied to her schedule and not a pumping schedule. I don't mind waking up for her but waking up to pump was no fun.

I still struggle with the decision. Thoughts keep popping in like that I should have tried, even for just a few more days. Or what if it was just that I was too tired or stressed and if I had focused on feeling better the milk would come pouring out. But I made my decision and I still feel it is right.

My boobs hurt like hell but I feel much better otherwise! And my mom stayed over so hubby and I got almost 7 hours of sleep last night. Not in a row but it still felt great.

And Baby Girl is healthy and happy and guzzling her formula and growing. And that is all that really matters.