Maybe hypocritical isn't the right word... self-righteous doesn't really fit either...
Allow me to explain. I have seen a lot of infertile women write about how they are completely unable to be happy for other women who become pregnant. Now let me make sure to say that I absolutely do not blame any of these women for how they feel. However, I do not often feel the same. I am genuinely happy for people when they tell me that they are expecting. Of course, there is always a longing in my heart when I hear about it or see baby pictures. But yet I always have a smile on my face while my heart hurts a little. This generally only applies to people I actually know (and don't dislike) and especially applies to anyone on infertility blogs that I read. Those pregnancies feel like victories and are especially exciting to me!
Here is the problem. There is a teeny tiny part of me that sometimes feels proud of myself for this. I feel bad for admitting this. But if you are one of these women, don't get mad, read on.
Today I clicked a link from the October ICLW list. The blogger even described it as a pregnancy blog but I clicked anyway. I'm the girl who thinks every pregnancy is great, right? I was in for a surprise. I first noticed that based on her posts that she must be close in age to me. Sure enough, her profile listed her as 28, just one year younger than me. Then I saw that her baby is due next month. This should have been a red flag for me but I kept reading. In fact, I clicked around so I could find the part where she wrote about finding out she was pregnant. What is wrong with me? When I found it I nearly started crying - her due date is two days after mine would have been. I clicked away without commenting on any of her posts. I couldn't bring myself to congratulate her. I guess it turns out I'm not the president of the pregnancy congratulations parade like I thought I was.
When I first miscarried I thought, "At least I can get pregnant. As long as I can be pregnant on my would-have-been due date, I'll be fine. I've got 8 months. That day will pass, I'll be pregnant again and I won't have to be too sad about it." Um, remember how that is next month? As in I should be giving birth in about three weeks, yet here I am still bitching about my stupid ovaries that may or may not have produced an egg this month for ONLY THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR. I guess my bitterness resides just below the surface.
I have only one more thing to say before I try my hardest to go back to being happy for all* pregnant women: When will it be my turn?
*except women I don't like, women I don't know, crack whores, women who are due on or around the same day I was, and women who ask you to take their children
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Don't blame yourself. It sounds like your doing a good job. That person was just was very close to your story, which is why you were affected. I had the same thing happen to me.
ReplyDeleteI am the SAME way!! I too and really happy for other women that get pregnant, especially those that have been struggling to get there. I had a miscarriage about 3 months ago... right after I told people about it, a girl from church let everyone know that she was expecting. She is one week behind what I would have been. Now everytime I see her I get a wave of jealously/anger/sadness... I don't know how to make it go away.
ReplyDeleteGirl I am so with you! My prayers go out to you! Just wanted you to know you aren't alone
I am totally the same way. I have never had a hard time with pregnant women (except in the caveat you laid out - with you there too). Pregnancy was and always is a beautiful thing to me and I appreciate it it no matter how fertile someone else is. I find so much joy when a fellow infertile wins the war. They fought the battle and they deserve the reward. Not only that, but being angry or hurt by someone else's pregnancy only hurts you. No infertile needs any more negative feelings in their life.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree with the first comment, I am sure it was hard for you to read that blog because you should have been right there with her. I feel that you had every right to feel hurt in that situation. Its not like you aren't happy for her, you're just sad because you should have been at that point in your pregnancy too. I think that is a very natural and called for feeling.
One day it WILL be you.
*hugs*
I think we're all entitled to feel that way sometimes. I try to be happy for everyone who finds out they're pregnant and, for the most part, I am. But sometimes it just gets to me. I think in this particular instance, you had more prevocation for being upset taht usual. I don't think that makes you a bad person. I think that makes you human.
ReplyDeleteFrom one who also suffers from wonky cycles and ovaries that don't want to produce eggs, I truly hope you'll very soon be announcing a pregnancy and 9 months later giving birth to a child.
I feel the same way! Sometimes I am genuinely (sp) happy when someone says to me that they are pregnant and sometimes it just breaks my heart. It is hard to watch someone else live our dreams or have their baby's be a reminder to us of what we lost. But like you, for the most part I am truly happy unless the lady is a crack whore or doesn't treat her other children well. I will have to say I hate the woman who tell me "it just happened, I didn't even want a baby!" when they know how hard we are trying.
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Oh, Jill...
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you had to experience that! It is inexplicable to someone else who hasn't been in your shoes but I really do understand...and you can't help the way that you feel.
With my last m/c, I had a very close friend AND a cousin due at the same time as I would have been and both of their babies were born full term and healthy. Though I was truly happy for them, it was almost my undoing.
Just remember that you don't have to be SuperWoman! We're all here for you and are praying for your miracle!!
I feel the same way, happy for most even thought it hurts that it isn't me. It is much easier to be excited for someone who isn't getting the same thing you were going to get at the same time you were going to get it. Does miscarriage pain ever get easier? Hug to you!
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