Waiting for the Other Shoe to...

THUD!

So Monday morning I was noticing how stressed I felt. Correction, how stressed I've been feeling. It's an unwelcome feeling because it has been a long time since I have felt this way. It's different than ttc stress too so even longer ago than that. I decided right there looking in the mirror that I would start looking for a new job. But prospects for my line of work are bleak around here, to put it optimistically.

I know I mentioned I have been worried about my job. There were certain situations at the company that meant things could go really bad by this summer. We all knew it, there was no secret or anything but I think we all expected things would either get resolved or we would all go down with the ship.

I guess not because Monday I got laid off. My boss came in and I could tell by his red eyes and demeanor exactly what was about to happen. We had to go have a meeting with the CEO and President. All told there were four people let go and two reduced to half time. Basically I think they wanted to be able to show the board/stockholders they were cutting costs.

I was shocked but I held it together until the CEO started saying nice things about me... I'm a doll, I'm part of their family, blah blah blah. I cried right there in front of them and felt like such an ass. Plus, I am the world's. ugliest. crier. For reals. We are talking bright red, blotchy face and especially neck. Red puffy eyes and just in general I couldn't hide it standing a mile away from someone. So they told me there would be a company meeting later but that I didn't have to attend. I was at one of those for layoffs a couple of years ago and I knew I couldn't hold it together. But I had to prepare for my Tuesday lab work so I collected myself and went to my lab. Luckily I didn't run into anyone. Except one girl with red eyes hightailing it out of there. Shit, the pregnant one. As in due next month. Yep, I texted her and she got the axe too. She can stay until she has the baby though, and collect disability but then it's sayonara. Shit. She and her husband just closed on a house last month. Shit.

So I really dreaded going to work Tuesday, knowing it would be all awkward. It was funny (but not ha ha funny). Half of the people were nice and came specifically to talk to me (and make me tear up) and said the right things, etc. The other half avoided me like I had the plague. I actually think one guy turned and ran from the lunchroom after he saw I was already in there.

Ugh, I am so not excited to start the job search. I remember how much energy it took the last time. I'm going to have to have my mom keep coming to watch Baby Girl just because the job search will be a full time job! The thing that really sucks is that I will get a taste of stay-at-home mommyness but it is impossible long-term. Today I calculated this math problem:

(Hubby's income) - (taxes, mandatory retirement, etc) - (health insurance) - (mortgage) = $0

Like zero dollars almost exactly. So luxuries like eating and electricity and whatnot will have to come out of savings. Thank God we have savings. I can't imagine my state of mind right now if we didn't. I've been so focused on freaking out about finding a job that I just started thinking about how much I will miss my job, the people, and my work. I've had such a good situation that I really don't think I will ever have something quite this good again. And the people I worked with who have experiences at lots of other places agree with that.

So I'm excited I'll be home with Baby Girl. But I am nervous and scared for the future. We have some time to spare but I do have to find something soon.