More Drama for This Mama

You know, I worried every second of my pregnancy with C. I had had a miscarriage and I didn't trust my wacky hormones to properly sustain a pregnancy. I worried about everything. As I got closer to the viability point I counted down the days and obsessed over what the percentage was that a baby born at that point would survive. I googled every possible thing that could have been wrong, even though nothing ever was. It was a totally uneventful pregnancy and birth. Couldn't have gone better except for the slight scare of her not breathing right away after birth and Hubby not being able to cut the cord. Otherwise, textbook. Nevertheless, I drove my mother and my husband crazy with my obsessing.

So this time I vowed I would be better. And I have. Even after I had the bleeding right after the positive test. Once it stopped and had been gone for a few days I breathed a sigh of relief and moved on with a really positive attitude. And I was able to hear the heartbeat at 10 weeks with my doppler. With C I listened every night once I found it. This time I've only listened three or four times and one of those was just to let my parents hear. Just last night I was thinking 'Hey, I haven't used the doppler for quite a while. But that's okay, I'm not worried.'

And then, today. I went to get my favorite strawberry poppy seed salad at Panera for lunch. As soon as I got out of my car I knew something was wrong. I rushed into the bathroom and found my underwear soaked through with blood, with it threatening to soak through my jeans as well. I went to wipe and there was a huge piece of what I thought was tissue basically hanging out of me (sorry, I know this is a bit graphic). I thought it could be part of the placenta. I panicked when I saw it and was so afraid that I would even see the baby. I cleaned up as best I could and decided to keep the piece that came out. I left and called my doctor. The nurse was very nonchalant and I wanted to scream at her. She said she'd see what they wanted me to do and call me back. They called back and told me to come in.

I went home, changed, and quick dug out the doppler. I was relieved to hear the heartbeat right away but I didn't think it really mattered at that point. I got to the clinic and waited a short time to be seen. When the doctor came in she started talking to me about the thyroid test results we had been discussing by phone today before the drama. I know she said everything was okay with that but I just started bawling and barely heard her. So she felt bad and said she'd get down to business. She found the heartbeat right away too and said, "See, everything is okay." She was very sweet and I really like her. Ultimately it seems to be a subchorionic hemorrhage. Which I know happens and I know it can be okay. But there was so much blood and it is so scary. And the "thing" turned out to just be a large blood clot, which was evident by the time I showed it to her.

So now the worry is will it stop and is it bad enough to cause a problem like placental abruption. Sigh. I am freaking out after I was doing so well. After two scares and one so late in the game I just lost it. We have told everyone at this point, facebook and the whole deal. And we've been talking about it extensively with C. The doctor told me she is sorry there is nothing they can do and I know that. There is nothing anyone can do but pray and be hopeful. She didn't even do an ultrasound (that is clearly their M.O.) and I get it; that wouldn't change anything anyway.

Tonight I soaked through a pad but since I changed it a few hours ago there hasn't been anything more. So that's where I'm at. I'll keep you posted. Send some thoughts and prayers for baby if you can spare them please. The heartbeat sound nice and loud a few minutes ago. That doppler is going to get its workout now.