Six Month Update

Ugh, did you ever notice how job searches are just totally depressing? Especially since I'm confined to one area for the time being and there just aren't many jobs in my field here. Yuck. I literally spent all day searching and emailing yesterday and feel no closer to an actual job.

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In other news Baby Girl's 6 month checkup was Monday the 17th, the same day I was laid off. She weighed 16 lbs. 10 oz. which put her at about 55%. I think her length was 25.75 inches, or about 40%. So that's all fine and good. Oh, she screamed at her appointment. And I'm not even talking about vaccines! Did I tell you she got some teeth? Yep, two teeth turned up the Friday before so I think that is why she was so crabby.

We talked to the doctor about her poop issues. Although, since the day before the teeth showed up she had been going great. It looked like normal baby output and was coming every day. But given her two-month struggles, the doctor suggested we put her on Gerber.GoodStart with comfort.proteins. She says that is what infant GI docs recommend. So we went out and bought it and quit within three days. She started to refuse to eat again, it was affecting her eating of solids, and she was spitting up constantly. The first day back on soy she quit spitting up and drank her formula like it was going out of style. So that settles it I guess. My kid must have a dairy sensitivity. No more switching, we are sticking with soy! I really wonder what this means for switching to milk at 1 year old... But her pooping really has been amazing since the teeth! I don't know if it's a coincidence but I don't care, I'm just so happy! It's the little things. :) (Or large quantities of stinky things, really)

As for BG* development news, she is crawling, sort of. She gets on hands and knees but mostly moves backwards. But she definitely is on the move with a combo of sort-of-crawling, scooting, rolling, and whatever else it is that she does when we're not looking. I swear sometimes she apparates around the living room. And today Grandma reported that she went from laying to sitting up by herself. She would probably be better at independent sitting by now but she is too busy being on the go. She doesn't want to sit still! She has also been playing around with the volume of her voice and has come to the conclusion that maximum volume is ideal for all situations. I can't take her to restaurants anymore! Good thing I can't afford it anymore anyway (ha ha not funny)!

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*Man, I always almost type her real name instead of BG! And it's such a great name, no bias here, really. ;) Maybe some of you know it? I can't remember which readers I sent her birth announcement to. Maybe you read BG and really think of her actual name. :)

Waiting for the Other Shoe to...

THUD!

So Monday morning I was noticing how stressed I felt. Correction, how stressed I've been feeling. It's an unwelcome feeling because it has been a long time since I have felt this way. It's different than ttc stress too so even longer ago than that. I decided right there looking in the mirror that I would start looking for a new job. But prospects for my line of work are bleak around here, to put it optimistically.

I know I mentioned I have been worried about my job. There were certain situations at the company that meant things could go really bad by this summer. We all knew it, there was no secret or anything but I think we all expected things would either get resolved or we would all go down with the ship.

I guess not because Monday I got laid off. My boss came in and I could tell by his red eyes and demeanor exactly what was about to happen. We had to go have a meeting with the CEO and President. All told there were four people let go and two reduced to half time. Basically I think they wanted to be able to show the board/stockholders they were cutting costs.

I was shocked but I held it together until the CEO started saying nice things about me... I'm a doll, I'm part of their family, blah blah blah. I cried right there in front of them and felt like such an ass. Plus, I am the world's. ugliest. crier. For reals. We are talking bright red, blotchy face and especially neck. Red puffy eyes and just in general I couldn't hide it standing a mile away from someone. So they told me there would be a company meeting later but that I didn't have to attend. I was at one of those for layoffs a couple of years ago and I knew I couldn't hold it together. But I had to prepare for my Tuesday lab work so I collected myself and went to my lab. Luckily I didn't run into anyone. Except one girl with red eyes hightailing it out of there. Shit, the pregnant one. As in due next month. Yep, I texted her and she got the axe too. She can stay until she has the baby though, and collect disability but then it's sayonara. Shit. She and her husband just closed on a house last month. Shit.

So I really dreaded going to work Tuesday, knowing it would be all awkward. It was funny (but not ha ha funny). Half of the people were nice and came specifically to talk to me (and make me tear up) and said the right things, etc. The other half avoided me like I had the plague. I actually think one guy turned and ran from the lunchroom after he saw I was already in there.

Ugh, I am so not excited to start the job search. I remember how much energy it took the last time. I'm going to have to have my mom keep coming to watch Baby Girl just because the job search will be a full time job! The thing that really sucks is that I will get a taste of stay-at-home mommyness but it is impossible long-term. Today I calculated this math problem:

(Hubby's income) - (taxes, mandatory retirement, etc) - (health insurance) - (mortgage) = $0

Like zero dollars almost exactly. So luxuries like eating and electricity and whatnot will have to come out of savings. Thank God we have savings. I can't imagine my state of mind right now if we didn't. I've been so focused on freaking out about finding a job that I just started thinking about how much I will miss my job, the people, and my work. I've had such a good situation that I really don't think I will ever have something quite this good again. And the people I worked with who have experiences at lots of other places agree with that.

So I'm excited I'll be home with Baby Girl. But I am nervous and scared for the future. We have some time to spare but I do have to find something soon.

Playing Catch Up

Ugh, I've been meaning to blog forever. So, where did we leave off? I have no idea either. I know there was the thing about soy...

So we switched Baby Girl to soy formula. With mixed results. As you may remember, we were having trouble with both input and output. Input has become much easier. She is not necessarily eating much more, but it is so much easier! We never have to fight to get her to eat. She usually happily gulps it down but sometimes we have to switch rooms or walk around to convince her to finish the second half. But more often than not there is no problem! She is probably averaging a few more ounces than she was. I am trying not to obsess about how many ounces the books or her pediatrician says she should have because she is growing (like crazy!) and is happy.

Output is another story. She poops almost every day but it is still difficult for her and it does NOT look like baby poop. Poor thing. And, ew, guess what? We sometimes have to "help" her get it out. I won't draw you a picture or anything but suffice it to say it involves a flexible digital thermometer. We've also had to resort to a suppository once. Oh! And guess what else? Both my mother-in-law and her sister said they had this problem with all of their kids, but that eventually they grew out of it. Thank you genetics. Sigh. We will revisit the progress with the pediatrician very soon because...

BG will be 6 months on Thursday! Yikes, where has the time gone?! We were in MN for a week right before Christmas and I feel like she learned so many tricks! In fact, when my mom took care of her one day after we got back she called me almost crying because BG "was so big" and had "grown up". It was so cute. She sits by herself but you have to be close by because she randomly falls over. She eats baby food and loves it. She's actually really good at it and so neat. As long as you can successfully get it in, none of it comes out so it isn't too messy. She loves prunes and bananas but is less thrilled about sweet potatoes and pears. That's all we've gotten to so far. She also learned to throw her toys and then look at them until someone gets them. She "flirts" by smiling and cocking her head way to the side. And she has gotten so good at using her hands it amazes me. We had some serious sleep issues in MN because she refused to nap but all in all she did very well. I think a week is a long time for a baby to be out of her normal routine.

Amazingly, tomorrow is the first day in the history of the world that I have a paid holiday and hubby (a teacher) does not. So BG and I will have a day to ourselves and then it's back to reality for me.

I am very excited for what 2011 has in store for my family but also pretty stressed. There's a very real chance I could lose my job anytime between now and July. Or really anytime this year. So that has me worried. We have our contingency plan in place but we absolutely cannot make ends meet on hubby's salary alone so our plan will include using savings until I would get a new job. That would last us quite a while but living on that type of budget is not something I would be excited about. Plus, a new job would probably involve a big move. I try not to dwell on it but it's always at the back of my mind.

But, for now we are happy, healthy, employed, and enjoying family life. I hope that 2011 is good to all of you! May all your wishes, baby and otherwise, come true!

Wait, what is this? How did this get on here? Sssshhhhh, don't tell.

P.S. Thank you for comments on your experiences with soy and typical feeding volumes, etc. It made me feel better!

Eating Issues

I think I alluded to feeding issues in a recent post. It finally came to a point I needed to consult with the pediatrician. It started right before her four month appointment back in November. She took a drop in number of ounces per day and starting refusing to take her bottle sometimes. She had been consistently taking 30 ounces per day no problem but it started becoming 24 ounces or so. I tried not to fret and told myself she was probably just in a slower growth period. She also had a week-long period where it was really bad and she was spitting up a lot. But that passed. At her four month appointment we brought it up but since it was so recent I knew no problem would show up in terms of weight. She is a chub and came in at 70% for weight at that appointment.

So we carried on and feeding has become more and more of a struggle. Sometimes she eats her whole bottle no problem (6 oz) and other times it is a fight to get 3 oz in her. More often than not, it is a fight and she just doesn't want to eat. A lot of days she is getting between 26 and 29 oz but that just isn't enough for her size anymore. And some days it's only 21 or 22. Not okay. It was coming up as a topic of conversation among hubby, my mom, and I enough that I decided it was time to check up on it. Plus, it had been long enough that maybe we could notice something with her weight.

When they plotted her weight Tuesday, it appeared to be just fine. But when we talked about everything that had been going on finally it was suggested that we switch to soy formula because maybe she has a milk sensitivity. Oh, also she hasn't been pooping totally normally and we have been giving her prune juice almost every day for a month and I don't feel like we should have to do that if everything is hunky dory. Soy formula was brought up at the last appointment too, but I had wanted to avoid it and we decided at that time to try the prune juice (1/4 strength) and see if constipation was keeping her from eating.

Well, I guess it is time to try the soy. I had been averse because, well, it isn't dairy and babies are designed to eat dairy proteins and dairy sugars. And soy formula contains corn syrup! I am really unhappy about that. Formula companies want to be able to say "no table sugar" apparently, even though I would much rather it contain table sugar (sucrose) than corn syrup. But in any case, I want to do what's best for her and we will try the soy and see how she reacts. This could be like back when we switched from regular formula to the gentle kind and we met a new baby overnight. Baby Girl is happy most of the time but I would say she is definitely not as easy going as some babies. She gets fussy easily and I have always felt it takes a little extra effort to keep her happy. But maybe that is just her. But if the soy helps I will be all for it. She obviously doesn't have a full-on allergy or we would know by now but maybe the dairy just isn't quite agreeing with her. We are supposed to try it for five days and see. The doc did say that babies have softer poo on soy, so that will be helpful. Poor girl still has quite firm ones some days.

Sigh. If only I could have breastfed. Although that's obviously dairy so who knows if that would have been any better...

Oh, and P.S., when I checked her weight online the percentage was only 55%. So from 70th % to 55th % is not serious but to me it seems to be confirmation that while her weight is acceptable, she's not gaining like she could be. We'll give it a go and see where it gets us! Any experience with soy or an issue like this??

On Appreciation, Part 2

I loved the comments I got on my last post! I have to say, despite my assertions to the contrary, I still left after the last post thinking I hadn't gotten it quite right. I still didn't know if "appreciate more" is the right way to put it. And then I realized how silly I had been! I had to ask my mom! Of course! She's the best source for this debate.

My mom became pregnant with my brother when she was unmarried, 17, and still in high school. Obviously unplanned. She and my dad got married and moved out to their own house not long after my brother was born. When my brother turned 2 she decided it was time to try for another. I am 9 years younger than my brother. Do the math. She had always had irregular periods and couldn't get pregnant. Her OB could only offer her clomid, which she took for many years with no luck. After many years of trying she read an article about new experimental infertility treatments offered at the University of Minnesota. She didn't even know infertility treatments existed (outside of clomid). About a year later, with the help of injectible drugs (she can't remember names), she became pregnant with me.

Mom knows what it's like to conceive "easily" (although the fertility doc later told her my brother probably beat out a million to one odds!) and to struggle with infertility. She got even less understanding from people as they felt she should quit feeling sorry for herself because she already had a child. But mom and dad wanted another very, very badly.

So I told her about this debate and asked her what she thinks. Surprisingly to me, she said she doesn't think infertile women appreciate their babies more. She thought that was a bad way to put it. But she agreed that the experience of pregnancy and parenthood is definitely different when you have truly struggled to get there. I don't think she had the right words to explain it either. So actually, thanks mom, you were no help.

But back to the comments on my last post. A couple of people said that they felt like they appreciated their babies and the experience more than they would have had they not been through infertility and/or loss. Not that they appreciated their babies any more than any other parent. That was a very good point! And in thinking about my analogy to, say, a wife who almost loses her husband and then learns to appreciate him more and take him for granted less... it's probably the same. That wife doesn't necessarily appreciate him more than another wife appreciates her husband, it has just changed her own experience and feelings.

So I think you guys (girls) got it right! And thank you! I think I feel better about this whole debate in my own head now. My readers are so smart. :)

I also appreciated (ha, there's that word again) that Basebell pointed out that just because you struggled to have your baby doesn't mean you can't have frustrations with parenting (so maybe that's what the insensitive greeting card was about, misguided as it might have been).

And believe me, I do have frustrations! Baby Girl is currently in a food refusal stage. It has gotten mildly better but it is still a fight to get her to eat enough some days. She would rather be looking around, showing off her manual dexterity by pulling her bottle out of her mouth, or blowing raspberries most of the time. She is still consistently getting fewer ounces per day than the recommended minimum but I try not to stress too much as she still has plenty of chub to spare! As long as she is growing appropriately I can't spend too much time comparing her to general recommendations.

Well, thanks again for your insightful comments! So maybe as infertiles we don't have the market cornered on appreciating our children but our experiences and feelings have definitely been colored by our paths that got us where we are.

On Appreciation and Giving Thanks

I spend a lot of time lately looking at Baby Girl and feeling so thankful. Here I am, with everything I have ever wanted. I am truly blessed and this year there is even more to be thankful for than ever before. Sometimes my heart feels as though it will burst from the sheer quantity of the purest love I have ever felt. This, my friends, is worth fighting for.

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When I was 19 I was so frustrated by the acne that had plagued me all through my teenage years. Surely it should have been better by then, I thought. I had tried everything available OTC and via infomercials. Everything. I had even tried several prescription drugs (all nightmares). So I went to a dermatologist, again. He examined my skin and asked me if I had regular periods, which I had never had. He told me he thought I had PCOS and that I should check with an OBGYN. When I brought it up at my annual exam, she literally laughed at me but ordered an ultrasound to humor me. Guess what? Cysts all over my ovaries. And a clear imbalance in hormones. HA!

But wait, the joke was on me. I spent a lot of time searching the internet for info. You know, with a dial-up modem and some now-defunct search engine since I hadn't yet heard of Goo.gle. There wasn't a lot out there but I realized one thing - this was going to cause problems when I wanted to have children. The lack of regular periods had always bothered me, but it was always brushed off by the same OBGYN and she told me it would get better with age. Clearly that was not to be. I spent the next ten years wondering if I would ever experience pregnancy, whether I would have children or not. How do you get pregnant when you have two or three periods a year? That can't be good, right? I warned my then-boyfriend, now-hubby, in case he wanted out to find heartier breeding stock. I was lucky, he stayed.

Sometimes it was at the back of my mind. Sometimes at the forefront. Sometimes a doctor during grad school would look at a 26-year old me and say, "What are you waiting for? It will only get harder."

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A fellow blogger, Eileen, who had twins in August recently received a strange "congratulations" card from a family member and wrote about it on her blog. On the outside the card said, "Did you know that in some states you can legally dump your kids at the courthouse?" and on the inside said, "Road trip?". First of all, when is this card ever funny and who on earth would send it by way of congratulating a new mom, especially one who went through several losses and several IVFs as Eileen did. This was a serious "WTF?!?!".

I commented, and so did many other people. Most having the same WTF feelings. One anonymous (of course) commenter said this (boldface added by me for emphasis on my point):

"The card might have been offensive to you, but it seems like she was reaching out to you. Maybe things are really tough on her? I think you are a tad bit overly sensitive when it comes to the comments. The remark about having your hands full doesn't mean the person is insinuating having twins is bad. Most people assume having one new baby is time consuming much less having two. I also think it is silly when those that struggle or have struggled with infertility think they somehow value their children (or will value them) more than the "fertiles". I call BS on that one. By all means with your past struggles I can understand the wounds are still raw and easily opened."

I'm not sure that value is the right word but what about appreciate? Do we as "infertiles" appreciate our children more than "fertiles" who took their ability to procreate as a given?

Does a person who almost loses their spouse to a car accident have an awakening and vow to not take their spouse for granted in the future? Does a child who grew up poor appreciate a scholarship to college more than a privileged student? Does someone who knows what it really is to struggle to achieve something appreciate the prize at the end of the fight more? Does a woman like me who anticipated the fight for many years, experienced loss, and then, after treatments, had her baby appreciate that baby more? Does a woman who went through far more than me appreciate her baby(ies) more? Do we look at our children, our miracle babies as we often call them, and realize what we almost didn't have and appreciate them more?

I'm calling BS on her BS. I respectfully* disagree. I think we do appreciate them more. Does that mean we love them more? No. But we know where we've been, what it cost us (not just monetarily), and how we felt when we imagined our dream might never come true.

I'm certainly not saying we have a monopoly on loving our kids. Nor that we have a monopoly on appreciating them. Just that we appreciate them more. What do you think?

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you. And may you all be able to give thanks for your babies, now or in the very near future.

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*What I really want to say is: You're G-d D--n right I appreciate her more!

But I'll be polite and restrain myself. :)

Hair, Hair Everywhere

Have you heard about how your hair falls out after pregnancy? Goodness gracious, my hair is coming out in handfuls! Apparently, your hair kind of rests while you are pregnant so you lose very little compared to normal. Not as many hairs reach the end of their growing cycle. Then once your hormones begin to return to normal, all that hair you should have lost already falls out.

But it's out of control! Mostly I lose it in the shower (my hair, not my mind). Which is really gross. When I lose hair in the shower it gets all stuck on my hands. I don't want it to clog up the drain so I stick it to the wall and (try to remember to) clean it up after my shower. Gross, I know. Am I the only one who does this?!

While that is the bulk of my hair loss I am also finding it EVERYWHERE. Where else is it, you ask? It is on the kitchen counter. It is on my lab bench and my computer keyboard at work. It's all over my clothes. Don't even look at the bathroom floor after I blowdry. It's all tangled up in my poor baby's hands. You may even find it emerging from the business end of my dogs after they do their duties! They must eat it I guess, hopefully unintentionally. Hey, you asked!

My husband hates finding hair around usually so he is extra disgusted right now. What can I do? Nothing, obviously. I just have to wait until it's done. Which led me to use some super rigorous mathy stuff. I calculated (by mostly making it up) that it should take 66.5 days for all the extra to be gone. What's that, you want me to show my work? Well, I don't know I mean I guess I could but umm... OK! The following is very scientifical:

I think I read somewhere that you typically lose about 100 hairs per day*. Let's assume I lost zero per day during pregnancy (to be conservative). Let's not count those two weeks before ovulation so (38 weeks) x (7 days/week) x (100 hairs/day) = 26,600 hairs I need to shed!

I also read that during this shedding phase you can lose about 500 hairs per day*! So that's my normal 100 + 400 extra. So 26,600 divided by 400 = 65.5 days.

I estimate this has been going on almost a month so hopefully just about one more month. Yuck!

Don't worry about baldness. I have always had a very dense covering of hair. Too bad it's very fine hair that refuses to curl and generally just laughs at me when I try to do anything with it. Sigh. But my widow's peak is looking pretty sparse. I'm sure I'm the only one who notices but it's not cute. Now I fully expect that I will have little baby hairs sticking out of it once it all starts growing back. I'll keep you posted because I know you need to know.

*I have no real reference for you here. These are figures I think I may have read somewhere maybe, once upon a time.

A Good Anniversary

One year ago yesterday we signed the papers to close on our house, which we love.

One year ago today I saw what I thought was the faintest of faint second pink line. A digital "Pregnant" display later in the day confirmed my dream come true.

That's what you call a good week.

An October of Firsts

Oh my garsh! It has been forever since I posted! Not counting certain times in grad school, I think this month may have been the busiest of my entire life! Busy but great. It was an October of firsts. I'll try to bring you through the highlights briefly. (Ok, let's be real, brevity is not my strong suit.)

Baby Girl had her first plane ride! We traveled back to the home land (Minnesota) for a "baby shower", or more accurately, "Welcome Baby Girl party". I was able to show her what a natural body of water looks like. And trees with leaves that change color. It was so completely wonderful to have so many women that I love and hardly ever see in one room and have the chance to introduce them to BG. Although, having the party the day after we arrived in town with a two hour time change was a mistake and she has never been as angry as she was that morning. We had her somewhat calmed down but almost no one could hold her because she morphed into a "momma only" girl that weekend. But people could at least adore her in a hands-off way. :) Also, I got so much stuff that she is now completely set for clothes for probably the next six months. At least. Oh, and she did great on both plane trips, thank goodness. We also got to meet BG's brand new cousin and we learned we will be his godparents! Yay!

Baby Girl had her first successful tummy time ever and then promptly rolled over for the first time a few days later. I thought she would never roll over with the way she very angrily protested every tummy time ever! But finally one day she realized it was not so bad and then soon it was "look what I can do". Mommy and Daddy cheered so loud that she looked SO proud of herself. So cute! Now she is trying to roll from back to tummy so soon she will be able to really go places. Yikes!

She visited me at work for our first lunch date. My coworkers had seen her when she was just two weeks old so they were excited to see her again. Exceeeeept... it was just a couple of days after we got back from the MN trip so she was... off. She screamed at everyone who tried to hold her and so I just had to tell people they couldn't even though they asked. :( She actually had a much more difficult time adjusting to being home than I expected. It was a rough few days.

I also gave baby her first virus, complete with baby's first fever. :( Luckily, it was not a very bad virus even though it stuck around my body for a week and a half. Basically BG slept all the time but cried more than usual when she was awake. She seems to already be over it in a few days so that goes to show how much better it is for you to just rest when you are sick. Too bad someone's vacation and sick hours still have minus signs in front of them. *Sigh*

Obviously Sunday will be Baby's first Halloween. Or first holiday, for that matter. And since my nickname for her is Punkin she will be dressed as a jack-o-lantern (if she agrees) and we will, of course, carve pumpkins! Hubby actually tried to tell me we did not need pumpkins because she would not remember it. Are you kidding me?! So I guess we should just not have a Christmas tree this year either because what is the point? What a Halloween scrooge. Too bad he has no say in this matter. Seriously, who would skip a first holiday of any sort?! Good try. He is not like this about all holidays. Admittedly neither of us is very big on Halloween but any excuse to dress up my baby I will take!

Other happenings this month include Baby's First Friends Over for a Barbecue and seemingly endless errands. And even though it didn't even register at the time, hubby and I had our 11 year anniversary of "being together". Wow, 11 years! I cannot believe we have been together that long and I certainly can't believe it was that long ago that I was in college!

I have definitely been following your blogs and am excited for all the births, pregnancies, and new chances right around the corner that I hope and pray will lead to babies for all my blogging friends. I truly think about you all a lot and pray for all of you in general and many of you by name.

She's All Riled Up Again

I was going to write a post today bitching about the record-breaking, triple digit temps we can't seem to get rid of. But it seems the high today will be 89 so I'm going to have to find something else to bitch about. Luckily, I came prepared! Don't worry, it's not about vaccinations, although that will come up. Stay with me.

Yesterday I received a weekly email from Baby.Center about my baby's development at her age. Included was a link to a story about a onesie that Old Navy is currently selling. You may have heard about it. It has a picture of a bottle (baby bottle) with wings and says "Formula Powered". Now, I'm not even going to get into my opinion of this onesie or its "message". That is not the point of this blog entry. The story on BC asked for opinions on the onesie and of course mentioned that the breastfeeding advocates are up in arms about it, and provided links to some websites.

One of those websites I clicked to was a blog called "Peaceful Parenting". I did not know what I was getting myself into. First, I read the article in question which berated ON for the onesie, which "advocates for destruction". All of the comments called for a boycott of ON, said that formula feeding mothers are literally poisoning their babies, and stated that formula feeding isn't second best, it's fourth in line of options. The second being pumping and feeding breast milk and the third being using milk from another human. Since I did not produce anywhere near an adequate supply (although they would tell me that is my fault and I should have fixed it) options 1 and 2 are out for me. I looked into human milk banks. Do you, or more importantly do the blog author and commenters, have any idea how much human milk costs? Well it is free of course, you just have to pay a $3.50 per ounce handling fee plus shipping. $3.50 per ounce?!?!? That works out to be over $3000 per month! Um, I can't afford that. Can you? And my insurance did not cover a breast pump, let alone human milk. Oh, and I haven't even mentioned that I wouldn't qualify to receive it since Baby Girl was not a preemie and was not immune compromised. Problems with the mother weren't listed as reasons to qualify for the milk. Probably because people don't believe that can truly happen. The mother must be doing something wrong. Anyway, the Stirrup Queen has already touched on the whole "Breast is Best" thing twice this week so I will stop here. You should check out her thought provoking article if you haven't.

But as I (foolishly) delved further into the blog, I found no fewer than a half dozen things I have done/am doing that are causing irreparable harm to my baby. I'll give you some insight and some of their reasoning:

• Having ultrasounds: The post is entitled, "Ultrasound: Powerful, Dangerous, Unethical". I am sure you can imagine what this one is about. This includes dopplers. Oops, I did that daily until I could feel her move.
• Having an epidural: I have, apparently, drastically altered the way my baby feels pain by having an epidural. The interesting this is I have allegedly increased her pain tolerance but this is a bad thing because someday when she needs morphine it will not work for her. This was all very weakly based on the ideas that birth causes injury naturally, epidurals don't allow you to feel pain and therefore endorphins aren't released after, and an unrelated study in rats.
• Feeding formula: Covered above and you all know the routine.
• Diapering: Diapering, cloth and especially disposable, is bad. "Chemicals" on your child's bum and all.
• Vaccinating: I won't even go there.
• Leaving my baby: My favorite article, written by a male doctor, informed me that I should not leave my baby for the first three years of her life. Not for a week vacation, not a weekend getaway, not overnight, not for a day, not for an afternoon, not for AN HOUR. According to the article your baby needs to know you are there and can't tell the difference between a minute and forever so if you are not there your baby thinks you abandoned them. The article acknowledges that some mothers have to work, and they should not worry if they have to. (Wait, I thought I was damaging my child?) It then goes on to say, though, that if you think about it you really don't have to work, it's just that you're accustomed to the lifestyle that two incomes affords you and really you are choosing that lifestyle over your child's well being. Yep, I'm not making that up. Anyplace you can go your baby should go with or it's not worth going to. If you absolutely want to leave while your baby is sleeping you can, but be aware that Serious Damage will befall her if she wakes up and you are not there. There is a whole separate post about the evils of daycare and preschool.

Yep, Baby Girl is only 2 months old and I have failed her in so many ways it is a wonder she is still alive. Hubby asked me very sincerely to stop reading the blog. And I did. One thing that was so strange to me is they will quote the AAP to enhance their points on some things but then will blatantly disregard what the AAP says about other things, such as vaccinating.

But there are still a couple of other problems with literature like this. First, it expects so much from us as mothers and shames us for not expecting the same from ourselves. The sky is falling if we cannot keep up with all of these things we must do or must not do for our babies. Peaceful parenting my ass, I am anxious just thinking about all of it.

And that is the second problem. Even though I didn't agree with any of it, it planted seeds of self-doubt in my head that I couldn't shake once I went to bed. Yes, I could be cloth diapering or not diapering. Yes, I could stay at home if I moved to a small apartment (my mortgage is half of what I qualified for, so much for my extravagant lifestyle I insist on having). Sure, I could tap into my savings account and spend $3000 per month to provide human milk. Although then I surely would have to work! Anyway, mothers today have enough worry that they aren't doing enough. I don't need someone hammering home that message about every choice I make.

Finally, I respect other peoples opinions. They're like a$$holes after all, everybody has one. I recognize that what I choose to do will not be what works for every parent. I really appreciated Stirrup Queen's article about breastfeeding and totally agreed with it but I do not agree with every post she makes. And when I disagree I can respectfully do so in her comment section. But this blog and its commenters don't allow for any gray area. You either follow their advice and are a good parent, or you do not and are not.

P.S. I wrote a respectful comment to the original onesie article and not surprisingly it hasn't been published alongside all of the ON-bashing, breastfeeding nazi comments.