Ok, so there we were back in the Phoenix area. Actually, we were living in Phoenix proper. When we first moved back we chose an apartment there because it was very close to my work (5 minute commute) and at the time hubby hadn't secured a job yet. Plus we could get a six month lease and bring our two dogs.
It really was quite a not-so-great neighborhood. In fact, hubby met me at work today for lunch so we were back in the old neighborhood. We were laughing at some of our misadventures there. Constantly being asked for money by homeless people wherever we went, the 24/7 guard complete with bullet proof vest at the grocery store, the helicopter search for a suspect who shot at police right outside our complex, needing to use "The Club" on both our cars at the apartment (don't laugh, they are actually very effective at preventing theft)... And who can forget the two times (or was it three?) our apartment flooded during our six month stay. We were laughing so hard because despite all that we were so much happier than we had been previously in our nice rental home in a great neighborhood in the Tucson area. Ok, none of this is really relevant to our TTC except that I think sometimes you don't realize just how unhappy a situation is making you until you move on to something better. I now look back and realize it was a blessing in disguise that TTC hadn't worked out so far.
Even though we had no idea if my job would become permanent after six months, we decided to take the plunge and start trying. I hate to sound cliche but if you wait for the "perfect" time, it's never going to happen. Before we had decided to return to Phoenix we had planned to move back home to MN, even into my parents house if need be, if we had no other options. We knew this would always be an option. A good option? Hell no! But it was something and we certainly weren't the only people with uncertain job situations.
So after being at my new job for about four months I told my new OB at my annual exam in November that I wanted to start trying and that I needed help since I almost never get my period. Her plan was to have me stop taking birth control (which I had just started up again) and try on my own the first month. They would run tests and if nothing happened we would get going on Clomid. Not surprisingly, nothing happened and by the time that was confirmed, all the test results were back, and the holidays had passed it was late January of 2009.
My supervisor at work had decided to take a job in Boston and that made it infinitely easier for me to get my job converted to full time through the company rather than working through the temp agency. Woohoo! A non-temp job with benefits was to start February 1st! And our 6 month lease in ghetto-town was up so we rented a great house in a nearby suburb in a great neighborhood! This was a much better situation to bring a child into so we were feeling great.
The plan was to take Clomid on CD 3-7, do an u/s on CD 12 or 13 and trigger with hcg if there was a suitable follicle. I took progesterone to jump start a cycle and lo and behold, on CD 12 there was a beautiful big follicle! Triggered as planned and then, well, you know.
My clinic considers any spotting at all CD 1 so when I had spotting on CD-I-can't-even-remember I was bummed but ready to try again. So I ordered up some more Clomid. My fatal mistake (no pun intended because it's really not funny) was to not take a pregnancy test. On my second day of Clomid, supposedly CD 4, not only did I not have a full blown period but I had only spotted for those two days. Uh oh, I thought. I took a pregnancy test. I then yelled, "Hubby, why is this pregnancy test positive?!" Panic sets in. Dr Google tells me that Clomid is a Category X drug for pregnancy. Category X. Shit.
The OB clinic got me in for a beta which was good at 600-something. The dr told me that embryos are very well protected from things the mother takes in that early in pregnancy so the Clomid was probably no big deal. They scheduled an u/s.
I let myself believe I was pregnant the day before the u/s. We were excited in the u/s room. It was a Monday and I was 5 weeks 5 days. The tech saw nothing. Nada. No baby, no fetal pole, no sac. She told me that there should have been something at that point. I lied to myself. I said it was possible we were wrong about how far along I was. I had a damn ultrasound and triggered, we knew exactly how far along I should have been. They scheduled another u/s for that Thursday. Because there was a chance it was ectopic, I was instructed to go to the ER at any sign of blood. On Wednesday the TP turned pink and we headed to the hospital at about 1:30 pm. I knew what it meant but I just hoped it wasn't ectopic. By about 10:30 pm I had been wanded, diagnosed with a "threatened miscarriage" (still nothing on u/s and a lower beta), given a Rhogam shot in the butt (I have a negative blood type), and sent on my way. I got home and went to the bathroom where I discovered the heaviest blood flow I had ever experienced. And, oh, the cramping. At exactly 6 weeks it was over.
Of course we bawled for a couple of days and were very sad. Hubby's coworkers sent really nice cards and emails. They knew because he had left work almost in tears to take me to the hospital. My coworkers didn't know. They assumed I had the flu. After a while I picked myself up and dusted myself off. I had gotten pregnant and dammit I would do it again. I had done what a scared 19 year old me had feared might never be possible after my PCOS diagnosis.
I was told by the doctors I would need to wait two months before I could try again. They made me come in what felt like a million times while my beta slowly dropped. The last time it was at 2 and she told me to come once more. I told her no thanks, I was done.
I will always wonder if that damn Clomid caused the whole thing. My rational brain tells me that because we saw absolutely nothing on the u/s and because I already had spotting when I took it, that baby was probably not developing normally anyway. But I will always think about it.
Next time, TTC For Real Take Two. We got pregnant on the first cycle. This will be easy, right? Right?
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Sorry Tucson didn't work out for you. :) I love it here! Though my living experience is a little odd--I was a Hall Director for the first four years and actually lived on campus. Once we got married, we moved to Vail, as my husband still works in Sierra Vista.
ReplyDeleteI hear your fear about taking the Clomid. I often have so many fears and "potential regrets" that I can never quite confirm...and yet I wonder. How can we not? It's hard, but I will myself to let go of holding onto those "what if's", and focus on what I now have. Hang in there!